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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26011504">Home</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redchange15/pseuds/Redchange15'>Redchange15</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Blood ties [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, BAMF Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Hurt/Comfort, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, M/M, Nicky | Nicolò di Genova Whump, POV Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Temporary Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:21:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,926</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26011504</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redchange15/pseuds/Redchange15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe remembers the Last Day, carves it into his mind so deeply that no moment is forgotten. The Last Day is sacred and holy because it has Nicky in it.</p><p>It’s the last day Joe has Nicky.</p><p>-</p><p>"I did the math in my head while Quynh was underwater,” Joe says cooly as soon as Booker sits, taking the flask from his hand. “I worked out that if it took sixty seconds for her to die, and seconds for her to come back, then in five hundred years she’d died over 250 million times.”</p><p>“Joe, don’t...”</p><p>“..If he’s out there, he’s already died just under 100 thousand times.” Joe finishes. Booker says nothing but lays a hand on his shoulder, because what words can bring comfort in the face of that devastating knowledge?</p><p>-</p><p>Companion piece to Blood Ties but from Joes POV</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Blood ties [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1843354</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>490</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Last Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Companion piece for Blood Ties. The first few chapters will focus just on the first three months it takes to find Nicky, so you don't need to read Blood Ties to understand, but it helps.</p><p>As always, kudos and comments appreciated</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Joe remembers the Last Day, carves it into his mind so deeply that no moment is forgotten. The Last Day is sacred and holy because it has Nicky in it.</p><p>It’s the Last Day Joe has Nicky.</p><p>It’s the last good day.</p><p>It’s late afternoon by the time they wake. Joe and Nicky had taken the late shift for the recon of the evening's mission and the sun had been slowly rising by the time they’d finally got back. They had been sure that between the two of them they had marked every entry and egress point of the warehouse, got a rough estimate of numbers, and good lines of sight for any vehicles coming in and out of the warehouse.</p><p>Later, Joe will go over their preparations obsessively. He’ll wonder where he went wrong and what he missed. He’ll ask Andy what they should have done, and she’ll be ever patient in her answers, grieving alongside him.</p><p>But that will all happen after the Last Day.</p><p>For now, Joe wakes up on the Last Day with his arms around Nicky, their bed having been pushed into a corner by Nicky the night before because he knows and loves Joe with a ferocity that shouldn’t startle Joe after nine hundred years but still does.</p><p>Nicky is already awake when Joe wakes up. Nile jokes that Nicky is the knife to Joe's big spoon. He is the lighter sleeper out of the two of them and always wants to take point. Joe’s learnt over hundreds of years that some fights are just not worth it.</p><p>Nicky’s thumb absently strokes over Joe's arm, and his breaths are even and quiet. Joe knows that this close to a mission Nicky can never sleep well and didn’t want to wake Joe by moving. Joe loves this quiet man beside him.</p><p>“Morning,” Joe says, leaning forward to press a kiss just below Nicky’s ear. He feels, but doesn’t see, Nicky smile and presses his forehead to rest against the crown of Nicky’s hair- perfectly content.</p><p>“We should get up,” Nicky says quietly, breath tickling at Joe's arm. Joe hums in agreement and neither of them move, both happy to lie there for just a moment longer.</p><p>Joe pushes his leg in-between Nicky’s and curls their ankles together, pulling him closer until they’re pressed flush against each other and he relishes the feeling of it. It isn’t sensual so much as comfort, and Nicky automatically tightens his thighs, trapping Joe's leg. Joe's breaths sync with Nicky’s, and neither say anything, relaxed merely in each other’s presence.</p><p>Afterwards, Joe will find that this is what he misses the most, these quiet moments of ordinary happiness. It will feel like a physical ache so strong that he wonders if this is what will kill him.</p><p>An indeterminate amount of time later, Nicky pulls himself away and swats Joe's hip, telling him that they really do need to get up now, and Joe pouts but follows. Because wherever Nicky goes Joe follows.</p><p>Andy and Nile are in the living room and they go over the plan on the dinner table. It’s a relatively simple infiltrate and sabotage under the cover of darkness. They’re there to destroy a weapons cache and get out.</p><p>Joe and Nile go over weaponry at the dinner table as Nicky prepares dinner. Andy is so relaxed she’s reading a history book, a fun pastime of hers, providing an amusingly scathing commentary on the writer’s ineptitude.</p><p>They eat at the table among partially assembled M-17’s, Glocks and sword sharpening kits. It’s a simple couscous and meat dish that Nicky has made a thousand times before.</p><p>The next time Joe sees the dish, he’ll fight the urge to vomit.</p><p>The conversation flows easily as it always does, but this time in Russian at Niles' request because she’s trying to teach it to herself. Nicky comments in badly accented Russian that he’s impressed with her drive for self-improvement and Nile blushes under the compliment. Joe just jokes back that it’s only because Nicky is so bad at languages.</p><p>Nicky laughs and agrees, and it is a soft and happy sound that makes Joe impossibly happy at that moment.</p><p>It is the last time Joe will hear Nicky laugh.</p><p>After the Last Day, Joe will go over that dinner a thousand times, and his fondest memory will be of Nicky laughing, half caught in the light, reclined in the chair and relaxed.</p><p>--</p><p>They move at night and at first it all goes well. Nicky kills the two guards outside and when no alarm is raised they head inside, moving as one.</p><p>It all goes to shit the moment they get to the second floor. There are several containers there, and even Nicky’s bad Russian can read the label for explosives. More ominously there’s a lab that looks suspiciously new and cages full of small bricks. There is also a container that’s locked on the outside, and Joe has seen it enough times to immediately know what it means.</p><p>Nile shoots off the lock, and they find almost twenty people huddled inside, dehydrated and scared.</p><p>Andy doesn’t blink at the new development before telling them they need to leave.  Joe then hears the sounds of cars arriving outside and hears heavily armed policemen swarming out the front.</p><p>Double shit.</p><p>Andy looks to move towards the fight, but Nile stops her- she’s mortal now and she speaks the best Russian out of all of them, she should take the newly freed group to the extraction point. Nicky and Nile will provide cover as Nicky’s the best shooter, and Joe will support Andy.</p><p>It’s a solid plan and at the time Joe agrees with it. Later, he’ll regret it and Nile will second guess every decision she makes for months.</p><p>Andy looks angry but agrees, and as they make their way down the back of the building via the jetty Joe hears the bullets fly. They make it back to the extraction point and put the escapees in the van. Joe feels the explosion the split second before it happens. He grabs Andy and rolls on top of her protectively.</p><p>He thinks he dies in the explosion, cradling Andy, and comes back to consciousness as she rolls him off her.</p><p>She stands and blood runs down her thigh- as she limps back to the van which has miraculously remained mostly unscathed hidden in the dead ground. As the skin on Joe’s back regrows and the ringing in his head stops, she barks at one of them to drive it away after pulling out their weapons cache and takes out Nicky’s sniper rifle.</p><p>“Go get the other two, I’ll give you cover and get another vehicle,” she snaps, clearly pained but as ever the consummate warrior. He trusts her to protect him the same way she’s done so many thousands of times before and rushes towards the building as he hears a secondary explosion, and part of the roof collapses. He can feel the heat of the fire from the building on his face and it burns.</p><p>He is going to find them. Anything else is unacceptable.</p><p>He rushes past the bodies of the fallen policeman dead from the blast and hears a pained groan to his left where he finds that Nile has pulled herself up against a tree. Years of injuries stop him from gagging on the smell of burnt flesh. He can see her teeth through the holes on her jaw, third-degree burns covering most of her body and her left eye almost falls out of the burnt-out socket. Her skin and fingers are slowly re-growing as the melted clothing that’s stuck to her skin detaches itself. She can’t walk as her left foot has been completely blown off. Joe knows from personal experience that the pain is almost unbearable.</p><p>She’s barely breathing, but dying over and over again as her body heals one trauma after another. He picks her up and runs back to Andy who mutters motherfucker in three different languages when she sees the state of Nile. They pile her into the back of one of the police cars, previous occupants probably dead in the explosion.</p><p>“I killed the last few, but radio chatter says we’ve got five minutes before there are fire engines and police cars.” She says as Nile breaths, groans for a few seconds and dies again.</p><p>“Nicky wasn’t there Andy- I need to find him,” Joe says.</p><p>“You’ve got 5 then we have to leave, we don’t have the firepower to fight an army.”</p><p>“I’m not leaving without him,”</p><p>“Joe! We can’t stay. We can come back tomorrow, and if they pull him from the wreckage he’ll follow the protocol and we’ll pull him from the morgue as we did in ’57, and if he gets out he can call us on one of the secure lines… we will find him Joe but we can’t stay.”</p><p>Later, Joe’s hatred of Andy and her decisions will be a visceral living thing that lives inside him, and it will be only matched by her guilt -so strong that they will choke on it every day.</p><p>Nile is only dying every other breath now, and in-between deaths is muttering under her breath.</p><p>“Nile- where’s Nicky?” Joe growls- steadfastly refusing to get in the vehicle.</p><p>He needs to find Nicky.</p><p>“Window…” she dies, “second-level…”, she dies “south corner.”</p><p>He runs to the south side of the building, shouting Nicky’s name as the inferno rages above him, frantically checking the bodies around him. He considers rushing into the building, but then they’ll have two dead bodies and only one mortal to drag them out. The building shakes as more of the roof collapses into the sea.</p><p>Moments later he can hear the sirens and see’s the tell-tale flashing lights of the police and fire crew at the edge of the compound. He rushes back to Andy and her stolen police car as she listens to the police chatter on the radio.</p><p>“We need to go!” Andy says. Nile is still repeating the cycles of death and rebirths, bleeding from the stump of a foot but less burnt.</p><p>“We still haven’t found him!”</p><p>“Joe, he knows the fall-back plan, if he doesn't make it back to the safehouse then we come back tomorrow- but we can’t stay here!” She barks.</p><p>Joe hates, <em>hates<em>, that she’s right.</em></em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em>They leave and closely listen to the police radio as they drive away. Andy helps Nile to a couch and cleans her own wounds while Joe listens to the radio as he restocks weaponry. Every hour he goes outside to see if he can see Nicky.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He doesn’t sleep that night and by early morning the radio crackles that they’ve finally got the blaze out by the early morning.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>By midmorning, the radio reports that they have 10 bodies to the morgue.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Nicky still hasn’t come back or got in contact with any of them.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Andy heads to the local hospital where they’re keeping the bodies and Nile and Joe head back to the burnt ruins of the warehouse. The building is gutted and they avoid the guards as they go through the building. The windows have all been blown out, and the stairs creak under their weight, but they make it up to the charred remains of the second floor. Yellow markers show where bodies have been moved and all the debris is pushed outwards.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>They search every inch of the warehouse and there’s nothing.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Joe looks out over the sea lapping against the shore underneath on the Northside with a truly sinking feeling and distantly hears Nile call Andy. He knows before she’s even finished the call that Nicky isn’t among the corpses.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>This isn’t the first time they’ve been separated. They’ve been separated hundreds of times through war, famine or just pure stubbornness between the two of them. The longest they’d been separated from each other was twenty-three years, due to idiocy and stubbornness. Joe knows first hand that it's not possible to be with someone for so long and not go through rough patches. However, that separation had been by choice. They’d given themselves time and a place for their reunion. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>The longest time they’ve been separated by circumstances beyond their control was for fifteen years during the eighteenth century. The people that had done it had paid the price. Joe tells himself all these stories as they drive back to the safe house. In his head, he makes a list of all the times they’ve been separated, and goes through them from longest to shortest. A day is barely a blip he tells himself. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He’s not worried, not yet. They’ve been separated before, and they’ve been reunited. They just need to find him. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>It doesn’t mean Joe ever learns to like it.</em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Thank you for all the very kind comments and Kudos. This chapter, depressing though it is, was actually one of the most fun to write. </p><p>Hope you enjoy it.</p><p>Grateful for feedback as always</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>ONE WEEK</strong>
</p><p>It takes less than a week before Joe caves and calls Booker. Neither Nile nor Andy object, they need all the help they can get. Booker gets the first plane he can and the reunion is bittersweet. Booker wants to see his family, but not like this- never like this.</p><p>Booker looks over the research they have and calls Copley who offers all the help he can give. As evening approaches the other two come back after another day of fruitless searching. Joe’s still out there and Andy tells him that he won’t be back until later, and one glance from her as Nile trudges through tells him all he needs to know.</p><p>It’s not good.</p><p>As the hours' crawl by, Booker waits for Joe. Their relationship has always been close and Booker loves Joe fiercely in a way that only happens after two hundred years with the same people. Joe can pull Booker out of his moods with a quip quicker than anyone, matches his anger when he needs to let off steam and is the closest brother he has alongside Nicky. He knows how hard Joe took the Merrick affair, but both Joe and Nicky didn’t hesitate to come find him when Quynh had him. Even after that though, he was still expected to go back into exile, so he knows it must be bad to have been called. </p><p>Booker appreciates that over the years Joe and Nicky have been separated, sometimes due to circumstance and sometimes due to their own stubbornness. Booker remembers when they were separated from Joe for months during the first world war, shells and the mayhem of battle splitting them up. He remembers Nicky’s quiet desperation and Andy’s concern being wrapped in cold fury. </p><p>He expects the same misplaced anger from Joe when he returns. What he gets when Joe gets back is so much worse- he gets nothing. Joe is quiet, methodical, and clearly only barely holding it together. He barely acknowledges Booker as he checks all the myriad of ways Nicky could have made contact with them online. Nothing comes up. </p><p>“You need to rest,” Booker says softly, and Joe scowls and completely ignores him. “Nicky wouldn’t…”</p><p>“Nicky isn’t here” Joe snarls, “so until we find him it doesn’t matter.”   </p><p>“Joe, I’m not the enemy here.” He says calmly, “You called me, let me help.” It seems to be the magic phrase, because like a puppet with cut strings all the fight goes from Joe who sits heavily in the chair. Joe says that he thinks they need to start looking for a boat and Booker's mind reels at the implications.</p><p>But Joe tells him he’s not worried, not yet. They’ve been separated before, and they’ve been reunited. They just need to find him.</p><p>It sounds like the prayer of a desperate man.</p><p>

  <strong>TWO WEEKS</strong>
</p><p>The second week Booker and Copley scrape together the last of the CCTV footage inside the building before it was destroyed.</p><p>Nicky’s pixelated face appears as he shoots two policemen. As one falls, he shoots wildly past Nicky and the bullet goes into the crates behind him. Joe watches as Nicky acts on instinct, shoots Nile through the window on the southside, before diving offscreen towards the Northside.</p><p>The screen goes dead in the explosion. They haven’t found the other two bodies of the policeman. According to official reports they were vaporised in the blast.</p><p>Joe tells himself that Nicky made it to cover, or made it out, the other options aren’t worth thinking about. Joe knows he’s not dealing with it and that something’s wrong with him when he muses aloud how long it would take a human body to grow back and Nile barely makes it to the bathroom before she vomits.</p><p>What scares him most is Andy's face. It’s the same look she had when they were looking for Quynh.</p><p>But he’s not worried, not yet. They’ve been separated before, and they’ve been reunited. They just need to find him.</p><p>

  <strong>100 YEARS AGO</strong>
</p><p>In the lull between the first and second world war, Joe and Nicky took themselves to India to recuperate after all they had seen. They stayed a few hours south in what was then Bombay in a small town by the coast. Everyone in the town assumed Nicky was a missionary which Joe thought was hilarious. They spent their time helping where they could under the too-hot sun, eating overly ripe fruit and fresh fish and reminding themselves that life wasn’t all mud, gunfire and death. They’d both fought in countless wars, but the ‘Great War’ had loomed so large and had taken so many casualties with its new weapons and senseless violence, that it had felt different to them.</p><p>One evening, naked to escape the heat and tucked too closely together for it to matter, Nicky had idly wondered if these new weapons and explosives would be enough to finally kill them. Their debate had been academic and hypothetical; what if too much of you was destroyed? What then could grow back?</p><p>They knew they could come back from cannon blasts (thank you Napoleon wars), beheadings (thank you Cologne War), and drownings (Qunyh… ), but they didn’t know what high explosives would do.</p><p>Joe finally declared himself done with the topic and had distracted Nicky with a truly filthy kiss, and it had never really been discussed since then. Now- Joe lies awake in Romania, replaying the conversation alongside a thousand others and is terrified that he might now finally have his answer. </p><p>But he’s not worried, not yet. They’ve been separated before, and they’ve been reunited. They just need to find him.</p><p>
  <strong>THREE WEEKS</strong>
</p><p>Three weeks in, Andy asks Nile to go to Sicily. It’s their safehouse for this decade in case they get separated and she says that Nile might be there. It’s a flimsy excuse but Nile seizes it like a drowning woman takes a life vest.</p><p>A small exhausted part of her is relieved to be getting away and then she just feels like an awful human being, guilty for being here when Nicky isn’t. What’s her worth compared to a man who they’ve fought and loved for hundreds and hundred years?</p><p>Booker takes her to the airport and Andy stays with Joe. Someone always stays with Joe these days.</p><p>“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Booker says on the way there.</p><p>“Then why do I feel like I’m being banished?” Nile asks. Booker doesn’t say anything but they both know the answer anyway.</p><p>It’s only at the airport that she asks the question that’s become the mammoth in the room that is their family, “what do we do if we don’t find him?”</p><p>Booker sighs and rubs his hands over his eyes, clearly frustrated and exhausted, “I don’t know,” he answers honestly. </p><p>Joe doesn’t acknowledge when Nile leaves, he’s researching sea currents in the black sea. Only when she’s gone does he turn to Andy and say; “We need everyone working on it here- you shouldn’t have sent her.”</p><p>“She can’t stay here Joe,” Andy says tiredly.</p><p>“He’s not going to go to fucking Sicily!” Joe snaps.</p><p>Andy finally loses her temper, “I know that! But you’ve made it pretty clear you don’t want her here! She didn’t do anything wrong, so stop treating her as if she did. She already feels guilty enough, and you pulling this shit isn’t going to make us find him any quicker!”</p><p>Joe almost spits something so venomous at Andy that he knows he’ll never be able to take back. He stops at the last moment because the small part of him that always speaks with Nicky’s voice, knows once he says it he’ll regret it. A long time ago, Nicky once told Joe that the line between anger and fear was thin at best, non-existent at worst. Joe hadn’t understood it then, but he thinks he might understand it now.  </p><p>With Nile gone, Booker, Andy and Joe move to another safe house. It’s smaller but sturdier than their old one, with the implicit understanding being that they may be here long term. </p><p>Joe carefully packs all of Nicky's things when they leave, Nicky is going to need them when he comes back Joe tells himself. He takes Nicky’s sword and wraps it with his, ever sharp and ready to be returned to its owner. They hadn’t taken them on the night, it was supposed to have been an easy job. </p><p>Hubris. </p><p>He tells himself he’s not worried, not yet. They’ve been separated before, and they’ve been reunited. They just need to find him.</p><p>
  <strong>FOUR WEEKS</strong>
</p><p>Towards the end of the first month of fruitless searching, Joe goes to Andy and Booker with a plan for vengeance. She disagrees, but Nicky was the only person who had any authority to stop him and he currently wasn’t there to do it. She tells him it won’t help- he tells her to go fuck herself.</p><p>Booker almost gets his throat slit when he tries to invoke Nicky’s name to stop Joe.</p><p>The men never stand a chance and it looks more like butchery than a battle by the time he’s done. As he kills the last one, quicker than he would have liked if only because he knows that Nicky wouldn’t approve otherwise. He feels a momentary elation but it fades as he leaves.</p><p>By the time he arrives where the other two are, he knows that it hasn’t changed anything that really matters (finding Nicky), but he’s too petty to admit that.</p><p>As he climbs into the car and they drive away he tells himself that he’s not worried, not yet. They’ve been separated before, and they’ve been reunited. They just need to find him.</p><p>
  <strong>FIVE WEEKS</strong>
</p><p>Five weeks in and Copley manages to find a ship dredger and divers that will work in the harbour. They lie and say they’re looking for archaeological findings, and for the amount they’re paying the ship doesn’t ask questions.</p><p>Joe takes to going to the sea in the evenings and stares out. Logically, he knows that it’s the only place Nicky can be- but the idea turns his stomach and the ghost of Quynh hovers over him. He wonders if this is his punishment, he wonders how he’s supposed to stay sane in the face of such an impossible choice. </p><p>But he’s not worried, not yet. They’ve been separated before, and they’ve been reunited. They just need to find him.</p><p>
  <strong>SIX WEEKS</strong>
</p><p>Six weeks in the police investigation winds down, and the company that owns the building announces that they intend to tear down the remaining burnt shell of the building to rebuild it.</p><p>Copley helps them buy the site overnight.</p><p>Joe finally admits to himself that he isn’t worried, but he is starting to feel anxious.</p><p>
  <strong>TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO</strong>
</p><p>Years ago, the four of them had crossed the sea from Europe to the lands of America. Booker, newly immortal, took to sleeping as little as possible as they crossed the sea because his dreams of Quynh had become almost unmanageable. Joe had taken pity on him and done all he could to console his new brother through his night terrors.</p><p>Which meant that Nicky looked after Andy.</p><p>Andy had taken to walking the deck at night as if daring the sea to force her overboard. Nicky stayed with her as a reminder that she had loved ones above the water as well as below it. On one of the calmer evenings, he found her at the bow of the ship looking out into the sea and he’d said nothing but taken her hand, offering what little comfort could be afforded.</p><p>“I miss her,” she said, “you’d think over time it would be less painful, but it isn’t.”</p><p>“Andromache…”</p><p>“We shouldn’t have stopped looking,” she said.</p><p>“No, you made the right decision.” He replied. It was a well-worn argument and Nicky would do anything to lessen that crippling guilt Andromache so clearly still felt. “I miss her wit,” Nicky said, “do you remember China? She almost got us killed for insulting the bandits.” Andy laughed remembering times long past. She knew Nicky was trying to distract her, but it worked regardless.</p><p>“I remember when we dreamt you and Joe for the first time, she thought you two were already lovers, the things she said would have made you blush.”</p><p>“Was she close?”</p><p>“Off by twenty years… you guys were slow,” she said. Nicky laughed and Andy could feel some of the tension leaving her, “Thank you,” she said quietly.</p><p>“You never need to thank family Andromache,” he replied easily.</p><p>“I would have kept drowning until the guilt killed me. I’d have been lost without you two, ” He pulled her close.</p><p>“You are stronger than all of us, I could not be as strong as you… and I do not think Joe would be either.” Andy looked at him surprised. “I cannot think about what I would have done in your place.” He said.</p><p>“You would have survived because that’s what we do.” Andy shrugged.</p><p>“No we do not- and you know that.” He stopped, “Andromache- if anything happens, protect Joe. He is too much like you- he will grieve and be lost. He will need you more than you ever needed us.”</p><p>“Are you intending to go anywhere?” She aimed for levity and missed.</p><p>Nicky gave a mirthless smile “No, but he’ll need you to protect him from himself. That will be the hardest thing.”</p><p>Andy didn’t say anything, and Nicky took her silence as assent. </p><p>
  <strong>SEVEN WEEKS</strong>
</p><p>Seven weeks in and Nile calls from Sicily and asks to come back. She thinks she can be more helpful in Varna then halfway across Europe. Andy gives Joe a sidelong glance, agrees and tells Joe to go collect her. </p><p>When he collects her from the airport he sees Nile flinch when she sees he’s the one come to pick her up.</p><p>Joe feels shame flood him- he’s been an awful shit to the kid. Nicky would never forgive him, and that alone is enough reason for him to want to work to make this right. She throws her bag in the back, and he sees her take a deep breath to steel herself before getting in the front. Brave woman- he thinks. </p><p>The silence is uncomfortable as they drive and Joe knows, knows, that he needs to say something. But he’s not like Nicky. He doesn’t know what to say to comfort someone, that’s always been Nicky’s job in their family. </p><p>He decides on the direct approach. </p><p>“I don’t blame you,” he says gruffly, eyes never leaving the road. “I know you think that, but I don’t. You made the right call.” She doesn’t say anything. “When we find him,” he says, finally looking at Nile, “he’s going to be furious at how I acted. I’m sorry.”</p><p>She nods, and he knows they’re going to be alright. </p><p>“Where do you need me to start looking next?” She asks, accepting the apology with a grace that humbles Joe. He mumbles something about the dredging ship and she agrees.</p><p>He’s not worried, only anxious. They’ve been separated before, and they’ve been reunited. They just need to find him. </p><p>
  <strong>TWO MONTHS</strong>
</p><p>Today it's Booker’s turn to go to the local nearby hospitals to see if there’s anything, he comes back empty and Joe knows they're running out of leads. Even Copley isn’t sure how much more he can do. </p><p>Joe is so focused on going over CCTV from the previous evening that he misses the silent conversation happening above him until Andy’s standing in front of him with the car keys in her hand. </p><p>“Come on,” she orders. It isn’t gentle. </p><p>He wordlessly follows and they drive to the warehouse. They search as they always do and come up empty. At this point, Joe is worried it’s more a ritual than him having any hope of finding something. They clamber back into the van to head back, but instead of heading back to the safe house, she pulls up at a local bar.</p><p>Joe gets a sinking feeling as she takes the car keys out of the ignition and steps out of the car. </p><p>“Get out, we’re getting drunk,” she says. He doesn’t move, Joe knows what's about to happen. It’s the same conversation he had with her 450 years ago.</p><p>“Take me home Andy,”</p><p>She says nothing but stands next to the vehicle. He knows that she’s equally, if not more, stubborn than he is. They stare at each other before he throws the car door open and stalks inside, shoulders hunched like he’s ready to go to war.</p><p>He takes a seat as she brings over two bottles of vodka. It’s going to be one of those nights. </p><p>“Joe…” she starts.</p><p>“He’s not gone Andy,” he says, interrupting her, “we looked for Qunye for decades, Nicky deserves the same fucking courtesy.”</p><p>“We’re not stopping- but Nicky wouldn’t want you hurting like this.”</p><p>“You don’t get to tell me what he’d want…”</p><p>“Yes. I can,” she says, looking at him and he can see the sadness written clear as day on her face and it hits him. Nicky had this conversation with her. He’s told her what he wanted if the worst happens. </p><p>Joe’s mind blanks. He has never been able to conceive of a world without Nicky, but Nicky did. He not only imagined it, but he also planned for it. Anger comes back to him like an old familiar friend. </p><p>“Boss, consider the next words out of your mouth very carefully,” he warns. He glances around, ready to fight her with a brutality he hasn’t felt for centuries. Now he knows why she picked a bar for this. She thinks it’ll stop him. </p><p>“You want to go brawl outside, fine, but that won’t fix shit and you know it.” She pours and passes him a glass. “We’re not stopping looking for him Joe, but take it from someone who took fifty years to learn this lesson, anger isn’t going to help.”</p><p>“Andy….” he hisses.</p><p>“You’re here and he isn’t. That mixture of guilt, shame, anger and fear that’s festering inside you, it’ll kill you just as sure as a bullet will. Only it will just be slower.” Her words hit like her axe, never missing and with brutal efficiency. Joe knows that this feeling inside of him is a living beast that feeds off his anger, and it needs to be fed because if it isn’t Joe thinks it’ll consume him. </p><p>They drink steadily and quietly. It isn’t companionable. The liquid courage finally hits Joe as he finishes the bottle, “what did he say?” he asks hoarsely, already dreading and knowing the answer.</p><p>She finishes her drink and pours herself another one. She doesn’t look at him. “That you shouldn’t feel guilty for living.That he would want you to forgive yourself.”</p><p>Joe thinks Nicky is an asshole. He’s asking the impossible.</p><p>
  <strong>FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO</strong>
</p><p>They find Andy three years after Quynh had been in the water, and two years since Andy had started looking. As she had told them of Qunyh’s fate, neither Nicky nor Joe had been able to say anything, mute with horror. Andy, even though she was a wreck, had found the captain and crew of the ship that had thrown Quynh overboard. Her methods hadn’t been pretty but they’d been effective. </p><p>The next six months are spent learning the art of drowning. The spectre of Quynh drowning over and over again forces them to greater risks. Joe and Nicky do all they can to support Andy but they know it isn’t enough. As the search stretches to a year, Joe finds his dislike of England growing by the day. None of them ever contemplate stopping. </p><p>As it gets to two years, something shifts between the three of them. Even Nicky, the eternal optimist, whose hope is woven through with bravery for being totally sincere, looks at their boat with dread as they clamber aboard it in the morning. Worse, Joe can see what that where love, desperation and anger drive Andy and himself, Nicky is driven guilt. </p><p>Joe has seen firsthand the stranglehold that guilt can have on Nicky; how the church all but baptised him in it as a child and how he’s never been able to truly shake it since. Joe hates what it does to Nicky but knows from long and hard-fought experience that this is one of the few battles he can’t help his love with. </p><p>Joe can sense Nicky’s guilt every time they bring the boat in during the evening. He can feel the tension in Nicky’s body as they curl up together at night while Andy lays on the cot by herself nearby. Yet Joe doesn’t know how bad it’s gotten until he’s woken by Andy one morning who tells him the dreaded words, “Nicolo’s gone to church.” Joes heart sinks, Nicky hadn’t stepped inside a church in literally centuries. “Fix him,” she tells him before gathering her things and leaving for the boat. </p><p>Joe goes in the opposite direction to the church, loitering outside and hoping that Nicky will come out and they can have a sensible conversation. He stands outside for an hour before swearing to himself and going inside. The church is empty apart from Nicky who is sitting on one of the pews, head bowed as if praying. Joe sits beside him but Nicky doesn’t acknowledge him for a long moment.</p><p>“How long have you been outside?” Nicky asks. </p><p>“Long enough, Andy told me you’d be here,” Joe tells him. He doesn’t ask Nicky what he’s doing here because he already knows. He knows and he hates it. </p><p>“I keep thinking about Quynh,” Nicky says quietly, speaking in hushed tones for something in this building he no longer believes in. </p><p>“We all do.”</p><p>“No, you don’t understand Yusuf. I keep thinking of Quynh… and I am glad… I’m glad it’s not me, or you, and I hate myself for it.” Joe inhales sharply. “I love her like a sister, and she is drowning over and over again. I wonder if Quynh is dead and part of me hopes she is, so that she is at peace… then I think of Andromache and how if Quynh is dead...” he trails off, still unable to look at Joe, guilt clear as day on his face. “I think of what I would offer to have her back with us, with Andy, and I hate myself for knowing that the price would be too high.”</p><p>Joe wants to give him the absolution Nicky so desperately wants, but he knows it's not his place to do so. He can only offer confession, so he waits silently for Nicky to continue. “I could not do it. I think of myself down there... I think of you down there” he says voice breaking, “...and I could not do it. I would welcome death.” Joe knows how much it’s cost Nicky to admit that, because even lapsed, an immortal catholic should not want that. </p><p>Andy and Quynh may joke that Joe is the romantic one, full of fond declarations and pretty words, but Nicky’s compassion, strength and depth of his love humble Joe. Few things scare his brave Nicky; a monster from his childhood that he doesn’t speak of, drowning and other unending deaths, and that Yusuf will leave him while he remains cursed with immortality. </p><p>Joe reaches forward, breaks a large splinter off the pew and drives it into his thumb. Blood wells up and as he takes it out he can already feel it healing. He takes Nicky’s hand and does the same, they both watch their cuts heal, hands joined. “When we go, we will go together,” Joe says, who believes his words with a conviction that would humble a god.</p><p>Nicky smiles, and Joe knows that he’s being humoured, “nothing is certain.”</p><p>“This is!” Joe says strongly, “and even if you don’t believe me, neither Andromach nor Quynh want you to feel guilty for living, they would want you to forgive yourself,” he makes Nicky look at him, “I would want you to do that.” Nicky sobs and tries to pull away, but Joe holds him. “Promise me, Nicolo.” </p><p>He looks pained but he nods and Joe pulls him close, and Nicky all but hides in his arms. They stay in the church holding each other a while longer before slowly making their way back to the leaky cottage they call home and find Andy inside. She takes one look at them, calls Nicky an idiot and hugs him. All forgiven.</p><p>They all go back to the boat the next day, and do so for 47 more years before Joe and Andy have the largest argument they’ve ever had and they decide to stop searching. When they find Booker and learn of his dreams two hundred years later, the guilt almost eats Joe alive.  </p><p>Five hundred years later, Joe sits a jetty looking out, as a feeling he can’t and won’t acknowledge sits low and heavy in his gut. But he tells himself, they’ve been separated before, and they’ve been reunited. They just need to find him. </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>NINE WEEKS</strong>
</p><p>Nine weeks in and the dive crew send photos of the things they’ve found in the last week. Nile is looking through them when Joe hears her gasp.</p><p>She’s found something.</p><p>He looks up and takes the photos from her hands. For a moment he doesn’t recognise it, but he turns the photo and immediately recognises a barrel from an M16. Nicky’s weapon of choice after his sword. The dive crew haven’t found anything else.</p><p>“It could mean anything Joe,” Nile says kindly. Joe knows exactly what it means. It means something he hasn’t wanted to think about but now stands clearly in front of him. No longer happy to be avoided or disregarded. His fingers go tight around the photo, as all the pieces fall into place whether he wants them to or not. </p><p>“Joe…?” Nile asks, concerned. Joe says nothing, turns and walks out of the house. Sensibly, Nile doesn’t follow. Later, he’ll ask himself how he got to the waterfront because he doesn’t remember. For now, he sits on the quay and looks out over the sea.</p><p>Nicky is either dead, or he’s out there somewhere. Underwater. Drowning. </p><p>As he looks out over the sea he remembers that Nicky once read the book Sophie’s Choice years ago and hated it. When he’d finished the book, he’d cursed it in Italian and thrown it across the room while loudly criticising it. Joe couldn’t be arsed to read it so had just watched the movie instead when it came out. Unlike Nicky, he’d been riveted by the heartbreaking tale.</p><p>Now, now he <em>hates</em> the movie with a fucking passion. </p><p>He hears steps behind him and knows Bookers found him.“I did the math in my head when Quynh was holding me,” Joe says cooly as soon as Booker sits, taking the flask from his hand. “I worked out that if it took sixty seconds for her to die, and seconds for her to come back, then in five hundred years she’d died over 250 million times.”</p><p>“Joe, don’t...”</p><p>“..If he’s out there, he’s already died just under 100 thousand times.” Joe finishes. Booker says nothing but lays a hand on his shoulder, because what words can bring comfort in the face of that knowledge?</p><p>Joe thinks back to Andy when they’d searched for Quynh. He remembers the way she had broken herself while searching to find her, how it had destroyed her to walk away, and how she carried the scars even now. </p><p>He <em>knows</em> he’s not strong enough. </p><p>The absolute worst thing of it though, it’s the <em>unknowing</em> that’s killing him, this lack of certainty. He wonders how long Andy hoped for. He wonders if he’ll ever really know what happened to Nicky, or if he’ll have to wait until they find another one of them who may or may not dream of him under the sea. The horror of that thought, and the time it may take, are too painful to focus on long.</p><p>“How did you do it?” Joe asks woodenly. </p><p>“Do what?” </p><p>“Live alone.”</p><p>“I think we can all agree that I did a shit job of it,” Booker says, stealing back his hip flask. “I didn’t want this for you, Joe. I would never want this for you.” </p><p>“I keep telling myself that we’ve been separated before, I make lists in my head of all the times they’ve happened. This isn’t even in the top 10 in terms of length of time, so why does this one hurt so fucking much?”</p><p>“It’s only been nine weeks and I can’t do this Booker. I just can’t.” Joe says brokenly. He knows what he should want in this impossibly unfair situation. He knows that he should want Nicky to be at peace, instead of being tortured. But he’s always been the more selfish of the two of them, and he <em>hates</em> himself because there’s some part that doesn’t want Nicky gone, regardless of what that actually means for Nicky. </p><p>He looks out over the sea and it hurts in a way bullets and swords have never been able to. For the first time, Joe wonders if they will find Nicky.  </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>TEN WEEKS</strong>
</p><p>Ten weeks in and Joe wakes up in a too-big bed, with a gaping space where Nicky should be and just thinks- he can’t do this.</p><p>He can’t get out of bed. He can’t keep hoping and losing. He knows he needs to move, needs to search, but the grief he’s been putting off is crushing him and he can suddenly barely remember to breathe.</p><p>At that moment he hates, he hates so viciously at everything; at his loss, at his pain. Nothing is worth hurting this much for, and some part of him even hates Nicky, hates that his love has made him feel this way.</p><p>Love is <em>awful</em>, he thinks. Deadly as any weapon, but deceptive like a poisoned blade because it doesn’t have the courtesy of being upfront. It takes a person and breaks them and then has the audacity to asks them to be fucking <em>grateful</em> for the experience. Then he hates that this feeling is warping and soiling his memories of Nicky. How fucking <em>dare</em> it take the final thing of Nicky that Joe has.</p><p>Andy finds him later curled up on the bed and it breaks her heart as soon as she does. She crawls into the bed and wraps her arms around him, holds him in a way he held her after Quynh.</p><p>“How did you do it?” He asks, and she knows what he’s asking.</p><p>“I did it because I had you and Nicky. Now you have Booker, Nile and me,” Andy says, pulling him closer.</p><p>They don’t look for Nicky that day.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>ELEVEN WEEKS FIVE DAYS</strong>
</p><p>They get a call from Copley, someone’s been searching for Niccoló Genova on the internet and he has no idea why. It’s the ID that Nicky used in Romania.</p><p>The search triangulates to a bar in Varna.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>TWELVE WEEKS</strong>
</p><p>Twelve weeks to the day after the Last Day, Joe bribes a receptionist at a shitty hotel in Varna to let them into a room of a guest who's been staying there for three days since he was found semi-naked washed up on a beach.</p><p>Booker isn’t with them, he’s talking to the local hospital, and Joe sprints up the staircase. He takes two steps into the room, sees the unmade bed, the clothes were strewn on a chair, the bloodied towel and knows with complete certainty that Nicky was <em>here</em>. He can’t explain it but he knows it the same way he knows his heart.</p><p>Nicky’s alive.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ok so for this chapter to make sense you do need to read chapter two of Blood ties, otherwise the things that are said won't make sense.</p><p>Next chapter won't be up for 2 weeks.</p><p>As always, Kudos and comments welcome.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He’s alive. He has to be.</p><p>Nile and Andy come barreling up behind him as he walks in the room. Andy sweeps the tiny room and knows what Joe knows. </p><p>Nicky was here.</p><p>He’s alive.</p><p>Joe takes a moment and just sits on the bed, head bowed and praying for the first time in literally centuries. He’s not sure who he’s even praying too. If he was a stronger man he might cry, but until Nicky is standing in front of him, alive and whole, he doesn’t trust himself. Nile goes into the bathroom, brings out a bloody towel and Andy hisses.</p><p>“Where is he?” Joe finds himself asking, desperation in his voice. Andy looks out the window as if expecting him to see him walking down the road. </p><p>“We’ll find him, Joe, we’ll get him back,” she says with a conviction that has got them through battles. “Nile, stay here in case he comes back. Joe- with me.” Nile nods and Joe follows. </p><p>Nicky never comes back to the room, and they’re all confused. He’s alive but he’s not coming back to them. They search ferry terminals and bus stops and by chance get told that someone who may or may not have been him got a ticket inland just hours before. They show a photo but the clerk isn’t sure. </p><p>He’s alive. He has to be.</p><p>By the end of the day, Joe is exhausted, the kind that only comes when they’re finally away from a hard-fought battle and the adrenaline fades. They’re so close Joe can almost taste it. They just need to find him.</p><p>Booker comes to them that evening as they’re tracing the different routes out of the city; by train, plane, car or even a fucking boat. “They found him three days ago, no injuries, pulled from the water. He gave them a cover story and the police didn’t buy it but there’s nothing they could do so they had to let him go. Copley’s wiping his record now.” Booker says. Joe's hands ball up into fists and he tries very hard not to punch something. “He checked into the hotel,” Booker pauses, glancing at Andy and Joe knows he’s trying to be kind, “he got warned someone was looking for him by… a local. He thinks someone is coming for him according to her. She told him to go to Odessa.”</p><p>“It was definitely him?” Joe asks because a small part of him is too scared to hope after all the pain it’s caused these months. Booker nods and mentions something about showing a photo. Everything else is drowned out as blood roars in his ears, and he feels Andy’s hand on his back between his shoulders.</p><p>He’s alive.</p><p>He’s alive. They just need to find him. </p><p>--</p><p>From there they search for three months, certain that he’s alive, but no idea what he’s doing as he outruns them again and again. He doesn’t contact them, but he doesn’t hide from CCTV cameras. He doesn’t access safe houses or bank accounts, but he does use his old ID for hotel stays. He doesn’t communicate or try to contact the team and he acts like he’s running from something. There’s no logic as to where he’s running too. His destinations don’t make sense, and Joe thinks it's more the moves of a desperate man running than someone with an actual plan. </p><p>Joe once joked with Nicky that he loved the contradictions that made him who he was. Now he’s not so sure. Now everything he does is completely unlike the man that Joe has known for centuries. </p><p>They wonder as a family who could be chasing Nicky. The men that killed him are dead by Joe's hand, but he must know something they don’t otherwise he’d come back to them. Joe knows he’s not doing this to be cruel. Joe watches on grainy CCTV as Nicky moves from city to city. He looks over his shoulder because he doesn’t have Joe to guard his back and Joe knows that look; he looks like he’s running from something. They cover his tracks when they find them and try and work out who else is looking for Nicky. </p><p>Joe wants to slowly, methodically and very painfully kill the people that are making Nicky think he has to run and not come home. Not come back to Joe. </p><p>He watches on grainy footage as Nicky’s hair grows to just below his ears, something he hasn’t done since the seventeenth century because it gets in the way when he’s fighting. He’s never been as vain as Joe- practicality has always taken precedence and Joe loves him for it. A confused barman in Sofia tells them he stumbled out of a bar at 3am in the morning and vomited down a side alley. Joe can’t remember the last time something like that happened. Nicky’s always the more controlled of the two of them. </p><p>An old lady living by herself in the countryside tells them about the kind man that helped fix up her fence for a meal and a place to sleep in the garage. She tells Joe and Nile over stale cookies he had done her weekly shopping for her and gave her back the money she’d given him. As they leave she tells them that he looked sad and a little bit broken. She says she prayed for him. </p><p>If Nicky was here, he’d find that hilarious.  </p><p>Their little family's shared joy that Nicky’s alive is slowly eaten by concern. For the first time in centuries, Joe has no idea what Nicky is thinking. </p><p>-</p><p>In Durres they find him and they don’t. Copley calls them and says that he thinks he has footage of Nicky walking back at 4AM from a squat on the outskirts of a city to another run-down building.</p><p>They’re twelve hours away by car when they get the call. Joe and Andy drive and they make it in ten. Between Nile, Booker and Copley they work out that Nicky is most likely working at a construction site in the city. They have no idea how long this window will last.</p><p>They will not lose him again. </p><p>Booker offers the foreman of the site an eye-watering sum of money for his staff list, and then immediately offers even more to get Nicholas Gregorio to work on the far side of the construction site for the afternoon. Joe knows they have less than an hour before the foreman will call the police, but he doesn’t care.</p><p>Nicky is here. He <em>knows</em> it. </p><p>They all agree that Joe should go first, they don’t know what’s going on- but they know that Nicky won’t hurt Joe. It’s as certain as the rising sun and endless wars they choose to fight in. </p><p>--</p><p>Joe makes it to the other side of the building site without being spotted. He hears the slam of sledgehammer against concrete, turns the corner and Nicky is there. He’s attacking the wall, hammering blows as concrete splinters off around his feet below him. </p><p>He’s alive.</p><p>The relief that floods through him paralyse him and he stares at the man who is the love of his many lives. Six months, nine hundred years of shared history, and Joe almost stumbles over his name. “Nicolo,” he says as he takes a step forward. </p><p>Nicky turns, and Joe has less than a second to realise something is dreadfully, horrifically <em>wrong</em>. Nicky <em>launches</em> himself at Joe, and Joe has less than a second to roll with tackle. For a hysterical moment, Joe thinks someone might be behind him, but then Nicky punches him, and Joe acts more on instinct than anything else to stop the knife that Nicky bares down on his throat.</p><p>Nicky hasn’t fought him like this… since the crusades. The whole situation is so surreal and happens so quickly that Joe's head spins in confusion. </p><p>What the fuck is going on?</p><p>The man that tries to kill him at the building site isn’t the Nicky that Joe has woken up beside for hundreds of years. The man doesn’t recognise his own name and clearly thinks Joe is there to kill him.</p><p>Nicky thought he was being hunted by them. </p><p>Joe's heart breaks in a new and painful way. </p><p>Nicky doesn’t remember them. </p><p>Nicky doesn’t remember him. </p><p>--</p><p>Joe almost launches himself at Andy when she shoots Nicky. She’s always been blunt in her approach yet she rarely goes this far. Joe has to remind himself, that if he punches her in the face and breaks her jaw, it won’t heal. Nicky’s head is still a bloody mess.</p><p>Even Andy looks upset. </p><p>Instead, he cradles Nicky’s head in his hands, almost desperately trying to force the brain matter that’s on the floor back. </p><p>No one moves or breathes, and slowly- so much slower than it should be, they see the head start to heal. It goes at the speed of when he was killed for the first time- Joe would know, he was there to see it happen. </p><p>“Get him up, we need to be gone before anyone starts looking. Booker, Nile you’re on cleanup. Joe- we need to move him now.” she says, as uncompromising as always.</p><p>Joe brings his sleeve to wipe the worst of the blood from Nicky’s forehead and closes Nicky’s eyes. He’s always hated the vacant expression.</p><p>“Joe, we need to move,” she says again. Joe takes a deep breath and reminds himself that they’ve found him. </p><p>They’ve found him. He’s just not sure which Nicky they’ve found.</p><p>--</p><p>Andy hands him the handcuffs and tells him, either he can put them on or she will. She tells him that Nicky’s already attacked two of them and until they know better he needs to be restrained. He opens his mouth to argue back, and she tells him she won’t have another Quynh situation on their hands.</p><p>He puts the cuffs on Nicky and hates himself.</p><p>The man who wakes up in the warehouse is a man of fire and brimstone, of anger and righteous fury. He is the man Joe killed at the crusades. </p><p>The only thing he remembers is the years' Joe spent killing him because the universe hates Joe. Joe re-introduces himself to Nicky. He remembers when he did it the first time when he’d said his name to a man he’d assumed was a simpleton as he’d raised a hand to his chest and kept his own sword at his side. </p><p>Nicky had killed him twice before he’d understand what Joe was trying to tell him. Nicky has spent centuries whispering needless apologies over it to Joe late at night when they’re wrapped up together. It had taken him a further month before Nicky had been able to pronounce it without butchering it (pun intended Joe joked years later, and Nicky had groaned but smiled at it anyway).  </p><p>Joe feels Andy’s hand on his shoulder as Nicky looks at him blankly, and <em>has no idea who he is</em>. When Nicky asks if Joe still wants to kill him, he feels Andy’s hold on his shoulder becomes a death grip. </p><p>He’s so desperate for Nicky that he isn’t thinking clearly when Nicky asks him to undo the cuffs. He doesn’t move as Nicky sits up but looks at the love of his life and he wants to touch him so badly. To reassure himself that Nicky is there. That he’s alive. </p><p>He so caught up in himself that he forgets what a sneaky little shit Nicky can be. </p><p>Nicky punches him square in the face. It’s a good punch. </p><p>Andy moves too quick for him to stop her from concussing the love of his immortal life as she slams his head in a wall. As his nose heals he curses her out in Russian and Booker swears. She reminds him of her golden rule- no one gets to hurt them apart from her. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>Joe stays with Nicky while he’s sleeping because letting him out of his sight at the moment is unthinkable. As he watches him sleep he considers wiping the blood away from Nicky’s hair, but he doesn’t want to wake him.</p><p>He looks at Nicky on the old army cot and feels like Tantalus; desperate to touch, but having it just out of reach. Of all the things he’d considered when he’d thought about finding Nicky, this hadn’t been one of them. </p><p>Nicky wakes up and asks him which name he prefers; Joe or Yusuf? Nicky says the name Yusuf like he’s testing out an idea. There’s no memory, soft eyes or warm smiles to go with it. It hurts so much more than it should. </p><p>He cleans Nicky’s hair and answers his questions. It’s the hardest thing he’s done in centuries. He holds Nicky’ head in his hands, and wants to rest his forehead against his, to promise himself that everything will be alright, but as he looks at Nicky- desperate for any type recognition. There isn’t any. </p><p>“All healed,” he says fondly, remembering all the hundreds of times he’s done this before. Nicky looks away first and Joe hurts because he knows that Nicky’s hurt, confused and angry and there’s nothing he can do about it.</p><p>Nicky goes to sleep easily, and Andy stands in the doorway as Joe gently strokes his hair once he’s asleep. He knows that this is better than the alternative, he reminds himself that Nicky is alive, home and safe. The feeling in his chest doesn’t lessen, and he feels like he’s in a battle but he has no weapons, no plan, and no idea how to win it. It terrifies him. </p><p>“We’ll fix him,” Andy says quietly from the doorway.</p><p>Joe isn’t sure how. </p><p>-</p><p>Joe fights every instinct in his body to lie down on the cot and sleep alongside Nicky. Instead, he leaves the room and goes to the military cot that Nile has kindly put out for him. She even pushed it up against a wall and placed it in a corner with Nile and Bookers in front of it. She’s done as much as she can to ensure that he can sleep, but Joe already knows it’s a futile effort. He doesn’t know what they’ve done to deserve having Nile as their new family member but he’s grateful for it. </p><p>He lies down for an hour before the silence almost becomes too much and grabs his coat and sits on the steps outside. Andy joins him moments later.</p><p>“What did Copley say?” Joe asks.</p><p>“Nothing helpful, there’s not a lot of research on this type of thing but he’ll keep looking.” </p><p>They sit in silence for a while longer, watching the empty road as Joe struggles to get himself together.</p><p>“Give it time Joe” she finally says, knowing exactly what he’s thinking. “He’s scared and confused. Anyone would lash out at that.”</p><p>“He thinks I’m trying to kill him. He hates me.”</p><p>“Nicky has never hated you, even when the two of you were killing each other,” she says dryly. </p><p>“Boss, he doesn’t remember me. He doesn’t remember what we are to each other,” Joe says. Booker was being a shit at Merrick labs when he’d said that Joe and Nicky had always had each other, but he’d been right. It’s always been Nicolo and Yusuf, Nicholas and Joseph, Nicky and Joe. Nicky might not be drowning in the sea anymore, but the distance between the two of them seems immense. </p><p>“Then remind him what you are to each other. Give him time. He fell for you once- not sure why though” she says, making Joe smile. </p><p>The part that neither of them mentions, is how long it took to happen last time. Joe isn’t the patient one, that’s Nicky’s role between them. But if this Nicky is the Nicky from nine hundred years ago, then Joe knows he can’t rush this. Can’t give a declaration and hope it works out. Joe remembers how much self-loathing and guilt they’d had to wade through before Nicky accepted himself last time. He hates the church for the invisible scars that it left on Nicky.</p><p>“None of us can tell him, he needs to work it out on his own,” Joe says, and Andy nods in understanding.  </p><p>--</p><p>Joe eventually goes back inside but wakes up early to go and get the new hideout ready because he’s a coward and needs to not be here when Nicky wakes up. Nile texts him to say Nicky and Booker are getting Nicky’s things, and Joe volunteers to go get dinner because he still doesn’t trust any of their cooking. </p><p>He comes back to the house with them all around the table and Joe’s heart clenches at the sight of Nicky smiling at a bad joke Bookers making at his expense. For a second, everything feels right.</p><p>Which makes the dinner so much harder as they explain to Nicky what went wrong. Joe counts it a win that he doesn’t cry over the pizza like the pathetic man he feels he is. When Nicky dumps the assortment of things he’s kept on the table, he immediately sees the business card and it feels like someone has punched him in the chest.</p><p>He has no idea how it managed to survive an explosion, three months at sea and travelling across Eastern Europe but somehow, against all the odds, it has. He picks up the worn card and flips it over in his hands to confirm it’s what he thinks it is. The others are silent expecting a story. Joe won’t give them that, he can’t. Not when Nicky won’t remember and when half the story he would tell would fall flat without Nicky’s well-versed contributions. This card is part of their story, it deserves to be told together.</p><p>He remembers when Nicky had picked it up on their last trip to Malta, laughing happily in the tourist-info spot on the North Island when he’d seen the business card among all the others and waved it under Joe's nose. Centuries ago, it had been an old inn that Nicky had picked on a whim on their first time on the island when they were both soaking, tired and barely trusting of each other. They’d arrived that day by boat and stumbled into it purely by chance. Joe vaguely remembers there being mites in the bedding, and a leaking roof.</p><p>It hadn’t meant much at the time, that would come with later visits; and they’d kept their eye on the building as it had changed from an inn to a home, to a tannery, an inn again, then a bookstore and finally now a hotel again. Maria who ran the place had been dubious of them when they’d arrived and spoke to but, but then they’d helped her out with a problem (which Copely had dutifully covered up) she’d let them stay. Their stay there had been... special, and they’d left for Romania a week afterwards. Nicky had kept the card as a memento.</p><p>Joe doesn’t say any of that, the words are stuck in his throat. He grunts out something and leaves the table, gripping the business card like a talisman of better days. </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t sleep after dinner, even though his eyes are itchy from the lack of sleep over the last six months. Too keyed up, because how can he sleep when he knows Nicky is just in the other room and they aren’t sleeping together. He’s frustrated at being reduced to this. </p><p>He steps outside to smoke because he can, because he’s petty and angry at the universe, and the man who hates them isn’t here to tell him otherwise. He hears the door open and assumes that either Nile or Booker are on ‘Joe duty’ tonight. He almost chokes on his cigarette when he sees it’s Nicky, and he asks Joe for a cigarette. They very rarely get to truly argue over things but getting Joe to stop smoking had been one of their larger arguments during the seventies. </p><p>It wasn’t so much the health aspect, Nicky had smoked cigars in Cuba, but Nicky had <em>hated</em> the smell and the taste. He’d turn his head when Joe had tried to kiss him, made snide and passive-aggressive remarks for days, and complained that they smelt so much worse than the pipes or hashish they’d smoked during the centuries past. He bitterly complained that it stank out their hideouts and homes. He’d convinced even Booker to smoke outside. The argument had continued for days and Joe had unkindly joked that Nicky was the only Italian that didn’t like it. One evening Nicky had shrugged out of Joe's easy hug when Joe had hooked his head over Nicky’s shoulder to see what he was cooking and had quietly told him that the smell clung to Joe’s hair long after the cigarette. He’d got even quieter, and said in a voice that scared Joe because he so rarely heard it, that he didn’t like the way it overpowered the smell of Joe. That he didn’t like the smell in their bed.</p><p>That was when Joe knew that Nicky was serious. </p><p>Joe had stopped smoking them that evening and been in a foul mood while the addiction left his veins. Nicky had made it up to him by giving Joe such a fabulously filthy blowjob that had Booker slammed his hand on the wall to get them to quiet down. Joe had looked down at Nicky, fingers playing in Nicky’s hair and Nicky, who was resting his head on Joe's thighs, had smirked back and bitten the sensitive skin. He had then proceeded to use centuries of skill and the infinite patience of a sniper to reduce Joe to a hoarse and quivering heap. Nicky had taken Booker's annoyance as a personal challenge and Joe had almost swallowed the pillow to stop them from getting more complaints.</p><p>Joe hasn’t touched a cigarette since. </p><p>He remembers all this at the moment that Nicky asks for one. Nicky plucks the cigarette from Joe's hands to light his own, fingers curled around his mouth to help light it and Joe doesn’t know if he’s doing it on purpose but it’s obscene, and he can’t stop staring. He wants to reach out, take the cigarette from Nicky’s mouth and push him flush against the wall and kiss him.</p><p>He wants, and does absolutely nothing. Nicky tells him he’s changed and Joe wonders how much? How much of the Nicky he’s known is there? </p><p>When Nicky asks them what they were to each other, Joe laughs coldly. “Even if I had a hundred years it still wouldn’t be enough to tell you all our stories.” He says, flicking his cigarette away. He wants to tell him all their stories, all their shared history. He wants to tell Nicky that he’s loved so strongly that it should scare him. He wants to tell him that the space he’s carved in Joe is so large Joe sometimes wonders if there’s any of himself left, and Joe hadn’t realised just how much of him was made of Nicky until Nicky left. </p><p>He looks at Nicky smoking, ash balanced precariously and cigarette almost finished and thinks of Andy saying to give it time. Then he thinks fuck it and darts forward and steals it. He inhales deeply and he can almost taste Nicky. He refuses to step back, and if he’s going to cock it up, he might as well cock it up massively, because he brings his hand up to cradle Nicky's head. If he doesn’t touch him right now he’s not sure what he’ll do. </p><p>He smiles, because how can he not when he’s near Nicky. He tells Nicky he dreamed of him and he wants Nicky to understand.<br/>
“What were we to each other?” Nicky asks him. Joes so wrapped up in memories and Andy’s warnings he doesn’t know what to say. The smile slides from his face as the reality of the situation hits him.<br/>
“Everything… we are all that and more,” he says quietly, before brushing past and going inside.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>--</p><p>The next few weeks Joe finds he is censoring himself, being careful around Nicky and it’s driving him mad. He watches as the others carefully try to navigate this new normal, how Nicky doesn’t quite fit in the way he did before. Nicky has no idea how to act around Joe- clearly wary of him. It’s so hard to unlearn centuries of casual touches. He doesn’t mention what they are to each other, but Nicky isn’t an idiot (regardless of what Joe might joke) and must realise something.</p><p>Yet Nicky doesn’t ask and Joe doesn’t push. He’s trying to be patient and careful like Andy suggested, dropping moments of their shared past into conversation without overwhelming him and it’s <em>killing</em> Joe. </p><p>The only silver lining is that Joe gets to watch Nicky rediscover so many of the things he likes. Something of a rarity after nine hundred years. </p><p>Nile shows Nicky the wonders of Netflix one evening in their little house. Nicky seems amazed that the programme is so tailored for him, and no one dares to tell him that it’s his and Nicky’s account she’s logged into. That nestled in between cooking shows, inaccurate history drama’s an overly dramatic Korean and Mexican soap shows is the movie Highlander.</p><p>Joe finds himself loitering by the door as Nile puts it on. She tells him it’s his favourite film and Nicky laughs as the film starts and doesn’t really stop throughout it. It’s the most he’s smiled since he woke up. </p><p>Joe remembers the first time they’d seen the movie; they’d been in New York and Joe had picked it at random one Friday as Nicky’s reward for surprising them both by passing (if only barely) his English grammar exam at the local university he’d been studying at. Joe had been willing to walk about within the first fifteen minutes but Nicky had been enthralled, torn between laughing at the absurdity but also secretly enjoying it. </p><p>Joe remembers how Nicky had snuck off a week later to watch it a second time and asked Andy if she’d ever used a broadsword when they next saw her. How Nicky had a tendency to quote it down the comms to Booker during quiet moments on missions because he knew how much it infuriated the Frenchman. </p><p>He’d made them go see the sequel the day it had come out and had been furiously angry at how bad it was. Joe quite liked it, if only for the fact they hadn’t had angry sex like that for at least a decade and sometimes novelty was fun. </p><p>Now Joe watches from the sidelines, not even pretending to pay attention to the movie but watching Nicky. He watches the love of his life fall in love with the stupid movie all over again and he knows that the man he fell in love with is still there.</p><p>He realises that all the parts that make Nicky who he was are there, they just need to be rediscovered. </p><p>--</p><p>Joe’s been around long enough to know when a storm is brewing, and he can feel in his bones. As soon as Nile says Copely’s been in contact, he knows shits hit the fan. </p><p>Their relationship began with brutal fighting and there has always been an undercurrent of violence between them, something that their family, Andy included, sometimes can’t (or won’t) see. They were born and moulded by it. Over the centuries, they’ve fought in almost every way there is; brutal fistfights, sullen silences, bitchy asides to other people, screaming furiously at each other over perceived slights, and once being so vicious to each other that they’d walked away for twenty years to calm down.  </p><p>They’ve always found ways to hit their soft spots, sometimes literally. So when Nicky calls Nile out about the job in Nigeria, Joe tries <em>so hard</em> to be the bigger person. But Nicky has always been able to bring the worst and best in him with barely a glance, so he’s seeing red before he registers it and suddenly he’s got his sword in his hand and he’s is throwing Nicky his sword.</p><p>Nile tries to stop them, but Andy knows better. They need to sort whatever this <em>thing</em> is between the two of them. </p><p>He walks out to a covered clearing, barely grunts the rules out and then he’s lunging at Nicky. He means to hold back, he really does, but he’s so <em>angry</em>. Angry that he lost Nicky and got a memory back; angry at himself for even thinking that; angry that Nicky is within arms reach and the only way Joe can touch him is through a blade; angry at Nicky for not getting that Joe can’t handle losing him again so soon. Not when six months ago Nicky would have understood all of this through a single glance between the two of them. </p><p>He’s so angry.</p><p>He beats Nicky in a fight that less than a year ago would never have happened. Nicky is good, but he’s not got the nine hundred years of experience that Joe has. He moves with the recklessness of his crusader days, but he’s still beautiful to look upon in a fight.</p><p>Joe doesn’t mean to kill him, so takes the deathblow from Nicky. Joe comes around as Nicky straddles him and tries to punch him. It’s an easy punch and Joe barely has to think as he blocks it and flips them.</p><p>Nicky fights him even when beaten because that’s just who he is. “Stop Nicolo, please I beg you. I will not do this anymore,” he says panting with exertion from their brawl. “I will not fight you.”</p><p>Nicky furiously asks him “Why not?!” and Joe has had <em>enough</em>. Six months of frustration comes pouring out of him. It’s the most he’s said to Nicky since they arrived at the safehouse. And Nicky, his perfect and kind Nicky,who doesn’t even remember him, still comforts him because at his heart that is who he is- unshakeably good.  </p><p>He pulls Joe close and tells them he’s here and Joe clings to him. Holding him for the first time in months. </p><p>For now, that’s enough.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I recommend reading chapter three on Blood Ties for this to fully enjoy this. The Beirut section especially. </p><p>Or not.. I'm not the boss of you.</p><p>PS- I am awful at writing steamy scenes- so apologies in advance</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, firstly apologies this has taken almost a month to write. RL has sucker punched me pretty hard in the last 3 weeks and then this chapter grew legs, ran away and barely wanted to write itself. Also, I fell down many a historical black hole during research and hadn't realised how many corners I'd written myself into. </p><p>As always, your Kudos and comments are much appreciated and make me smile, and have definitely helped the last couple of weeks. So feel free to keep that stuff up. </p><p>This chapter is longer then all the previous three chapters combined- heed ye all who enter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Andy understands it all when she sees them slope back into the kitchen. They won’t be joining the others. Nicky barely acknowledges the others and walks past them as he goes up the stairs. Nile and Booker glance at each other, and hastily make their exit citing planning for Nigeria. Joe sits at the table as Andy takes the seat opposite him, and waits for him to speak.</p><p>“What happened?” she asks. Joe recounts the story and ends with his head in his hands. He feels something jagged and broken inside him and has no idea how to fix this. He thought all they needed was time, but now he doesn’t know if that’s enough.  </p><p>“I don’t know how to fix this,” he finally says. </p><p>“Time, Joe. This was never going to be fixed overnight.”</p><p>“What if that’s not enough? You didn’t see him out there. He’s so angry Andy. I can’t remember ever seeing him like this.”</p><p>“That’s because it hasn’t been directed at you for over nine hundred years,” she said dryly. Joe scoffs because they both know that’s not true. Nicky’s been angry at him plenty of times. Booker and Nile might think they have some type of fairytale romance, but Andy knows better. She’s been there to witness just how much effort it’s taken.</p><p>“What if he never remembers?” Joe asks. What if he’s stuck with this version of Nicky until time moulds him into the person that Joe knows? </p><p>She sighs, “Then make new memories. Show him who he was before. His mind might not remember, but some part of him does. You don’t see it but it’s there. I think subconsciously he remembers. He still loves you Joe.” </p><p>They sit in companionable silence for a while. Andy’s always been the leader of their little group, the voice of (cynical) reason. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do when she’s gone. </p><p>He heads upstairs afterwards and pauses outside the door where Nicky’s sleeping. He can’t remember the last time they slept apart this long when under the same roof. His hand reaches for the door, then he remembers Nicky’s face as they fought and can’t bring himself to do anything. He can’t be turned away twice in one day by him. He’s not strong enough. </p><p>The next day he wakes up early and comes down to the other three packing, Nicky nowhere to be seen. Booker tells him they can stay as long as they want in the house, that it’s paid up until the end of the year. </p><p>Joe has no intention of staying here another 24 hours unless he can help it. </p><p>Nicky makes it down and they awkwardly say goodbye to him, he whispers something to Andy as she holds him close. He doesn’t hear what they say but what she said makes Nicky feel better. </p><p>Once they’ve gone an awkward silence descends between the two of them. </p><p>“Where does that leave us?” Nicky asks. </p><p>Joe has no idea how to answer. Instead, he throws the knife on the table with a viciousness sitting low in his belly. He’s loosely aiming for Italy.</p><p>It lands on Greece.  </p><p>
  <strong>ATHENS</strong>
</p><p>They arrive in Greece and for a moment Joe contemplates not going to their home but decides to follow Andy’s advice. Time to make new memories over old ones.</p><p>Home #203 it is then. </p><p>They arrive into the flat and Joe can sense the moment Nicky’s head does the math and realises there’s two people but one bed. He calls Nicky out on it before it becomes an issue. </p><p>He wonders what he should say to Nicky when he glances at Nicky and sees the look on his face. It’s a look he’s seen hundreds of times. Nicky is a man of contradictions, but this part of him is two sides of the same coin. In coarse English; either he needs to fuck, or fuck someone up. </p><p>Thankfully Joe knows exactly where to go.</p><p>He takes Nicky downtown, and as they settle down in a bar Joe sees the angry young men sitting out of the corner of his eye. As they eat he contemplates doing nothing, actually enjoying the stilted conversation between him and Nicky. Yet he can see the frustration building in Nicky. </p><p>For a moment, he thinks how previously, he would just have taken him back to the flat, crowded up against him in the hallway and sunk to his knees to get the tension out of Nicky. </p><p>He misses Nicky. He misses kissing him. He misses touching him. He misses fucking him slow and romantic, or fast and brutal and every manner in between. </p><p>He misses Nicky, even though the man is sitting opposite him butchering verb conjugation. Joe’s more bitter then he’d like to admit and realises he’s looking forward to fighting something- as long as it isn’t Nicky. So he waits until he knows they’re being watched, and sits that little bit closer that after hundreds of years he knows gives the subtle signs. </p><p>It works.</p><p>It <em>always</em> works.</p><p>Random skinhead number one turns and calls him something unoriginal. Joe's insult back isn’t- it involves a pig, his mother and the fact the man is a raging bigot. Joe’s actually quite proud of it. It has exactly the desired effect. Random racist say’s something and goes to punch him. Joe is already moving to block it when something unexpected happens.</p><p>Nicky catches the punch and stops it. Nicky viciously twists the arm, forcing random skinhead number one to let out a very un-macho yelp. </p><p>From there it descends into an all-out brawl which is exactly what Joe was hoping for. He enjoys it for its casual violence. He glances and see’s Nicky, who is, and always had been, truly spectacular in a fight- Joe would know, he fought against him enough times. He is so distracted that someone is lucky enough to land a punch that splits his lip. </p><p>Within minutes it’s just the two of them still standing and Joe’s barely broken a sweat. He looks over and can feel Nicky staring at him. He grins, riding high on the adrenaline and relishing being the centre of Nicky’s attention. </p><p>He pulls Nicky with him out of the back so they don’t get caught. They laugh and nudge each other and Joe feels more relaxed then he has in months. Later, it’s the excuse he’ll give himself for running his mouth.</p><p>“Do you feel better?” he asks.</p><p>“You did that on purpose!?” Nicky correctly guesses. </p><p>“There are idiots like them throughout history, and when you’re in one of these moods you either want to fuck or fight... so fight it is…” Joe shrugs.</p><p>“Who do I normally fuck?” Nicky asks before immediately correctly guessing that they were lovers. Suddenly the adrenaline is gone and Joe is terrified. Nicky looks like a trapped animal ready to gnaw off its own leg to escape. Joe desperately tries to soften the enormity of what they are to each other. </p><p>When Nicky turns and flees in the opposite direction, Joe makes no move to stop him. He knows where Nicky's feet will take him, even if his mind doesn’t remember. He finds Nicky sitting in an eave of a shop in his favourite square. </p><p>He sits down next to Nicky and the words spill out of him. He tells Nicky all the truths he deserves to hear; that even though he might be confused and muddled, the man Joe loves is still inside him. That Nicky is a good man deserving to be loved. </p><p>He hasn’t withheld telling Nicky because he’s ashamed, but because he’s being guided by his own personal moral compass- Nicky.</p><p>Nicky is the strongest person he knows.</p><p>He tells Nicky that nine hundred years has meant that Joe loves and accepts all parts of him, including the parts that Nicky doesn’t like, even the mean and violent parts. He talks of Nicky’s fiercely protective nature, of someone who always tries to look after their little family, how Nicky and is one of the kindest and most caring men Joe knows. Joe tells him that he loves that Nicky is slow to anger but vicious and relentless in battle.</p><p>Joe isn’t ashamed of Nicky, isn’t ashamed of his feelings. Hasn’t been for hundreds of years.</p><p>He refuses to be penitent of something that is so fundamentally right. </p><p>Nicky, as Joe has known he would be, is totally thrown by Joe's words, just as he was when Joe first told him all those centuries ago. Joe’s heart swells with affection as Nicky then tries to apologise to him, for the fact that he is the one that’s been hurt so badly he can’t remember. His Nicky is too much of a good and honest man to give false promises, instead, he stumbles through an apology, “I'm not the man you once knew… I can’t… I don’t….” telling him that he isn’t the same man Joe loves. </p><p>It should hurt that Nicky can’t tell Joe he loves him, but Nicky's complete honesty shows Joe that the foundation of the man he loves is still there. “I know,” Yusuf says, hearing everything that Nicky can’t say, and takes his hand. “I have never wanted you to feel or say something you do not.”</p><p>“What if I never remember?” Nicky asks, their worst fear made clear.</p><p>Joe places a chaste and reverent kiss on his hand, “then we make new memories. We have time.”<br/>
He means every word. </p><p>
  <strong>Addis Ababa</strong>
</p><p>They make their way slowly down through Africa via Egypt, travelling overland with seemingly no clear destination. As they travel down Joe sketches and doodles various things he sees, just as he always has.<br/>
Joe tries very hard not to draw Nicky. For a man who can patiently hold a position for hours when holding a sniper rifle, Nicky rarely has the patience to keep in one position for more than a few moments when Joe asks him to pose. Yet after 900 years Joe knows he can draw Nicky blindfolded. He doesn’t do it though because Nicky doesn’t like being drawn. Some small part of him dislikes being focused on that intently and cannot understand why anyone would even want to draw him. </p><p>Even if it’s Joe. </p><p>Especially if it’s Joe. </p><p>The first time Nicky saw a picture Joe had drawn of him, he’d almost scoffed and said that Joe had idealised him- next time he should be more realistic. He couldn’t fathom that this was how Joe saw him. </p><p>Joe has often wished that Nicky could see himself the way Joe does. Joe thinks he could draw Nicky a thousand times and still not get it right. Still not be able to capture the sheer essence of what makes Nicky… Nicky. </p><p>Doesn’t mean he hasn’t tried though in the past. </p><p>Instead, he draws the view from their place in Cairo, he doodles the sights he sees on the road, the flash of the smile from the female vendor in Addis Ababa, the security posts in Khartoum. He can see Nicky glancing at him out of the corner of his eye as he does it. He knows that Nicky is curious and is building up the courage to ask him. So he waits. Better to let Nicky come to him.</p><p>Nicky finally asks with a fake casualness what he’s drawing as they travel through Ethiopia and Joe is more than happy to show him. Nicky sits down next to him and looks in wonder as he flips through Joe's notebook. He smiles softly at the drawing of the female vendor, fingers almost touching lightly at the page.</p><p>“You’re incredibly talented,” Nicky says smiling at him, and Joe shrugs it off. Just like Nicky doesn’t like being drawn, Joe doesn’t think his doodles are worth much praise. </p><p>Nicky has always complained he’s never good at taking compliments. So Nicky, ever contrary, whispered them to him in the evenings when they were wrapped up in each other, placing soft kisses as he did them. He did it because he knew Joe couldn’t escape. On one more memorable occasion that Andy still gave them shit for, they’d been on a mission with Nicky providing oversight, and he’d quietly complimented Joe and his appearance down the radio just to stir up shit and because he was bored. Speaking quietly in their unique mishmash of Arabic, Italian and sometimes just plain made-up words that only they knew. Joe had most definitely not blushed. The memory makes Joe happy and sad at the same time. </p><p>Nicky looks up at Joe, frowning slightly as if puzzled. “You don’t believe me?” he says. </p><p>“It’s nothing,” Joe replied, suddenly shy of his work in a way he doesn’t understand because there’s no reason to be. He tries to take the book out of Nicky’s hand, but Nicky pulls it closer to him, smiling as he does it and forcing Joe to reach forward. </p><p>“No, you don’t get it back if you’re just going to hide it,” Nicky says, pulling the notebook above his head and out of Joes reach. “These are very good.”</p><p>“They’re just sketches, nothing of importance,” Joe says fondly, reaching up and looming over Nicky to try and get them back, who keeps moving just out of Joe's reach. It almost feels like play fighting. </p><p>“Well next time you can try sketching me.” Nicky jokes as Joe reached over him, hands extended forward to grab the notebook. Joe almost freezes, and Nicky’s eyes flash with uncertainty for a moment. Joe pulls the book from Nicky’s hands. “You’ll have to sit still for longer than 5 minutes,” Joe says jokingly. </p><p>“I’ll give you three minutes.” Nicky jokes back, moment passing and unacknowledged. Joe smiles and feels something flutter in his chest. Nicky doesn’t sit still for longer than two minutes, but it’s enough for a rough outline, and Joe works on it on and off for a couple of hours, coyly refusing to show Nicky- nervous for a reason that he can’t explain. </p><p>After dinner, Nicky picks the notebook up before Joe can stop him and flicks to the page Joe’s been working on. Whatever joke that Nicky was going to say dies on his tongue as he looks at the picture, clearly surprised at what he’s seeing.  </p><p>“I’m still working on it... It’s not...” Joe finds himself almost babbling, nervous because it isn’t finished yet, it’s not right. It still doesn’t capture Nicky as Joe see’s him. </p><p>“I almost do not recognise the man you’ve drawn,” Nicky says quietly, smiling at Joe in that soft and kind way that has always made Joe’s heart jump. </p><p>“It’s you,” Joe says dumbly.</p><p>“No, the man you see ...he is more…” Nicky trails off, clearly caught up in his head. His fingers trace the drawing with reverence, “... you draw very well. Can I keep this?” Nicky asks tentatively. Joe nods, not trusting himself to speak. Nicky rips the page out and puts it away.</p><p>One week later, Nicky pays for their meal on the side of the road and Joe sees that the picture is carefully folded inside it, like one of the many momentos Nicky keeps. Joe smiles to himself and feels better than he has in weeks. </p><p>
  <strong>Nairobi</strong>
</p><p>They keep travelling sound and by the time they hit Kenya, the monsoon season starts with a vengeance and they hole up in a small house with a wide veranda surrounding it, content to try and wait it out. Joe is happy and content to wait it out with the practice of a man who has done it for hundreds years. </p><p>Nicky clearly isn’t. </p><p>Instead, he prowls around the house, clearly growing in frustration, angry at something which neither of them has any idea about. The rain doesn’t stop for a week, forcing them into confinement. Joe doesn’t know this version of Nicky, doesn’t know what’s making him so restlessly angry. Joe tries to help but every time gets rebuffed. </p><p>On the seventh day, Nicky asks Joe to spar with him in the late afternoon, having paced around the house like a tiger all day. Joe looks at him in disbelief, almost asking Nicky to repeat himself to make sure he’s heard the right thing. Nicky looks at him expectantly, clearly not thinking through what exactly he’s asking. </p><p>Suddenly all Joe can see when he looks at Nicky is his sword cutting through Nicky’s skin. He chokes out a no and all but runs inside, angry and confused as to why Nicky would ask such a thing. It’s not until he’s making dinner and sees Nicky’s confused face, that he comes to the startling realisation that Nicky has no idea what he’s done wrong. That alone only infuriates Joe more, and he knows he might be being petty in not telling Nicky, but fuck it, sometimes he just needs time to sort his own shit out first.</p><p>They have a tense dinner and Joe goes to his room early, knowing that by tomorrow he’ll have calmed down enough to have a conversation (not an argument) with Nicky. Sleep comes to him slowly that evening, but it does.  </p><p>Joe wakes up immediately in the middle of the night, alert in a way that rarely happens when he’s not on missions, disorientated as he tries to work out what woke him. He hears a thud from Nicky’s room and he glances at the window to see sheets of rain pelting against it. </p><p>He suddenly knows exactly what woke him.</p><p>Nicky’s having a nightmare. Joe would know that awful sound anywhere. </p><p>He’s out of bed and sprinting towards Nicky’s room before he realises it wearing nothing more than his boxers and a t-shirt. He slams open the door to Nicky’s room, heart in his throat. </p><p>The bedsheets are tangled and Nicky is on the floor next to the bed. He’s having some sort of panic attack, hands clutching at his chest, half-collapsed on the floor and desperately trying to get air into his lungs. His throat makes deep rattling sounds and no air is going in. </p><p>Joe reacts instinctively, moving Nicky so that his back is pressed against Joe's chest. Joe wraps his arms around Nicky, all but pulling him into Joe's lap. Joe breathes deeply, knowing it helps to get Nicky to synch their breaths. He finds himself telling him to breathe in every language he can think of, distraught that he can’t help Nicky beyond this. </p><p>Nicky still can’t breathe, and Joe is terrified that he’s going to suffocate in front of him. Joe is furious that he can’t do anything, can’t protect Nicky from this part of himself. He pushes his head into the crown of Nicky’s hair and places feather-light kisses on it, desperate to provide any sort of comfort.  </p><p>After what seems like an eternity, Nicky begins to take shallow breaths, his hair plastered against his head in sweat, fingers digging into Joe's arms which are wrapped protectively around him. Joe is content just to rest his head against the back of Nicky’s, thankful to whatever gods are out there that the worst seems to have passed. Nicky draws his leg up, but his fingers don’t let go of the vice-like grip they have on Joe's arms. </p><p>Neither says anything for a moment and the rain continues to beat oppressively down against the window.  </p><p>“What did you dream of?” Joe finally gets the courage to ask. He’s almost scared of the answer.</p><p>Nicky says nothing, staring at the wall before he quietly says, “...drowning.” Joe's grip around him tightens automatically. Nightmares aren’t uncommon in their little family. You can’t live for years doing what they do and it not have an impact. Nicky used to say it showed that they still had their humanity left, which was a shitty silver lining according to Booker. </p><p>He remembers how many years ago after Nicky had found him when he’d been taken by the slavers; he would wake up clawing at his wrists to break the imaginary manacles off, terrified and wanting to be free. Nicky would hold him afterwards, fingers wrapped around Joe's wrists to calm him. Joe had been so ashamed of his weakness, but Nicky would have none of it. </p><p>Now it’s Nicky’s turn and he’s annoyed at himself for not seeing it coming. No wonder Nicky has been on edge the last couple of days, he thinks to himself. Joe wants to apologise to Nicky but he’s not sure what he’s apologising for; for not being there, for taking so long to find him, for that small awful part of him that didn’t want to lose Nicky, even if it meant knowing Nicky was drowning.</p><p>The last part makes him feel like the lowest form of scum<br/>
.<br/>
Joe goes to move his arms unsure as to whether they’re welcome, but Nicky grabs them, “Don’t, please” he says so quietly as if expecting Joe to just abandon him. Joe’s arms tighten and pull him closer, his legs bracketing Nicky on either side.</p><p>“I hate that all I can remember is downing,” Nicky says quietly, “I hate being this weak”. He sounds so utterly defeated as he rolls his head forward, resting it on Joe's arms which are wrapped protectively around him. Nicky doesn’t cry, but it’s a damn near thing. </p><p>“A wise man once told me that it is never weak to ask for help…” Joes about to finish the sentence, ‘from those who love you’ as Nicky had always told Joe when Joe said exactly the same thing to Nicky all those years ago. Yet he doesn’t think it would be welcome, so instead, he continues to take deep breaths and feels Nicky relaxing against him, sinking just that little bit more against Joes back. </p><p>“I just want to be me again,” he mumbles into Joe's arm, clearly drained and defeated by the nightmare.   </p><p>“Even if your mind does not remember, you are still you,” Joe says, pulling Nicky that final bit closer so they’re pressed flush against each other. Joe hates that it’s taken such a horrific nightmare to be so close to Nicky. </p><p>“I am sorry,” Nicky says, and Joe doesn’t know why he’s apologising but doesn’t have the energy to argue, so he says nothing and lets Nicky rest in his arms.  </p><p>They stay like that until morning. Nicky dosing lightly and thankfully not seeming to have any more nightmares. Joe doesn’t move, doesn’t release his grip around Nicky. He watches as the walls slowly lighten. He guesses it’s around seven when Nicky finally wakes up properly. Joe can feel him wake, tensing as he does. He can almost feel Nicky’s confusion at waking up and being held. </p><p>For a moment Joe thinks of asking more about the dreams from last night, but he knows it’s the last thing Nicky wants to talk about. Instead, he helps Nicky up and leaves him to shower the stench from last night's nightmare off him. While Nicky showers, Joe packs.</p><p>They silently leave before breakfast and don’t look back. </p><p>
  <strong>Suez</strong>
</p><p>They meet with the rest of the team in Zanzibar, and Nicky has his heart to heart with Andy. He comes back and barrels himself into the arms of Joe, apologising for things he doesn’t need to. It’s the first time he’s proactively hugged Joe.</p><p>Joe buys Andy her favourite bottle of rum as a thank you. </p><p>Andy, Booker and Nile stay a few more days before splitting up again. All of them are more relaxed for having seen Nicky acting more like the man they remember. Joe thinks about where they should head next. Joe’s disliked boats since Quynh, if he could he would take a plane or travel overland he would. However, Nicky loves sailing so Joe books them a boat to travel back to the Mediterranean.</p><p>Joe genuinely forgets that Nicky once suffered from seasickness because it’s been so many years. He forgets that Nicky’s love of sailing was hard-won through years of travelling by sea. He almost laughs at himself at the irony as Nicky swears and becomes intimately reacquainted with the toilet in their small bathroom attached to their berth. Of course in Joe's attempt to make things better he only made them worse. He thinks the entire trip might be an apt analogy of their wider situation. </p><p>The silver lining is that Nicky finds comfort in Joe, rests his head in his lap and lets Joe run his fingers through his hair while Joe tells him silly stories to distract him from rolling nausea. Joe remembers that before Bulgaria, carding his fingers through Nicky's hair was something that he used to do so casually that he barely thought about it. Now it feels almost illicit. He keeps waiting for Nicky to tell him to stop. </p><p>Nicky doesn’t and Joe <em>relishes</em> every moment.  </p><p>As Nicky slowly lulls himself to sleep in the evening with his head relaxed into Joe's lap, Joe is loathed to move. Every fibre of his being just wants to curl around Nicky and hold him close. He misses the feeling so much it feels like a physical ache in his chest. It takes all his willpower to slowly ease Nicky’s head down and clamber up to his own bunk. He’s slept apart from Nicky hundreds of thousands of times but doesn’t think he’s had a good nights sleep since the explosion all those months ago. </p><p>They make it to Suez and go about their now nightly ritual with Nicky’s head in Joe's lap as Joe tells them about their last trip to Suez. Suddenly Nicky tenses, it’s the only warning Joe gets before he almost headbutts Joe as he sits up so quickly.</p><p>“We were here in 1952!” He says excitedly. “We were here in 1952 for a month and stayed just outside the city. We worked against the British…. You had that angry camel that used to spit at you… you hated that thing.” He smiles and laughs. “I remember Suez!”</p><p>He remembers.</p><p>Joe’s face almost splits in half he’s smiling so wide. He barely resists the temptation to pull Nicky in and kiss the smile off his face. He’s happier than he’s felt in months.</p><p>It takes him a moment to recognise the feeling in his chest as he tells Nicky more stories of Suez… it’s hope. </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Beirut</strong>
</p><p>Joe loves Beirut. The city’s insane and it’s always brought out the best in Nicky. They find a flat without air conditioning and go to explore a city that isn’t quite at peace with itself but isn’t at war with itself either. </p><p>By the evening they’ve settled into a bar close to the university and Nicky tells him he wants to check out the local market they passed. He orders a beer that he knows Nicky likes and waits for him to come back. Two girls come up and ask him for a lighter, he tells them he doesn’t smoke but they’re funny and ask to join him. They’re students; enthusiastic, harmless and keen to make friends- so he lets them sit down. Nicky comes back and hands him a notepad, mentions that he knows Joe is running out of pages on his current one, consideration is engraved into Nicky’s bones. Nicky looks at the two girls and is a gentleman as he introduces himself. Joe looks at Nicky to silently ask him if this is ok and gets a blank look back. He misses the entire silent conversations he can have with Nicky with just one glance. The man that looks at him now doesn’t know this silent language of theirs. Joe thinks it shouldn’t hurt after all this time, but it still does</p><p>Halfway through the four of them talking, Joe notices that Nicky is uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be clear to anyone else, but to Joe, it’s like a flashing neon sign above Nicky’s head. He wants to ask, but the girls ask them to Dinner and Nicky seems to steel himself and accepts their invitation. Joe goes along with it because Nicky’s a man capable of making his own decisions and Joe isn’t quite sure what’s going on. </p><p>Over dinner Joe enjoys talking to Minal about her medical studies; her face lights up as she goes into the intricacies of the body- she clearly loves the studies and it’s so refreshing to speak to someone so young. He sees Nicky talking to Sara, and struggles to understand what’s going on in Nicky's head. He’s clearly not comfortable, but at the same time, he accepted the invitation to the dinner. </p><p>The wine and beer flows liberally throughout the dinner. Joe says no to dancing before Nicky says yes, and they head back to the flat. Joe feels loose and pleasantly buzzed, relaxed after an enjoyable evening of good company. Minals hands him her number on the back of the receipt, he keeps it until they’re out of sight and then drops it in a bin. He has no intention of seeing her again. </p><p>They get back to the flat and the room isn’t spinning per-say, but he’s definitely feeling the heat. Nicky disappears to the bathroom and Joe just strips unthinking. It’s too hot for clothes and a bed. </p><p>The next moment he’s lying down on the tiled floor and telling Nicky to join them. His heart soars as Nicky agrees and lies down beside him. He closes his eyes to sleep but can feel the tense lines of his heart beside him. Something is bothering Nicky.</p><p>He pushes himself up and asks what’s wrong.</p><p>Nicky’s response of jealousy surprises him, and Joe thinks back to the last time he felt jealous of someone with Nicky. He’s been so sure of them for so long, it’s not something that he thinks about. They’ve taken others to bed over the years when the mood has taken them, but there are <em>galaxies</em> of difference between what he has with them, and what he has with Nicky. </p><p>It hadn’t occurred to him that this version of Nicky might not feel the same. </p><p>But then- why would he not? He doesn’t have the confidence of nine hundred years that Joe has. Joe knows that in all the ways that matter Nicky has always been his, and he has always been Nicky’s. Other people may come and go but they have always been constant to one another. Nicky tells him of Europe and Joe truly doesn’t care in the way Nicky thinks. He knows how much Nicky was hurting during those months. So if Nicky found some temporary comfort in someone else's arms when he was in pain because Joe couldn't be there for him, then he’s fine with it. Nicky tells Joe they reminded him of Joe and Joe’s heart feels heavy, if only because he wasn’t there for Nicky when he wanted. </p><p>Drink and Nicky’s words make him bold, so he brings his hand and lays it on Nicky’s chest. His fingers lightly brush down his chest to rest on his sternum, his hand spread out with his little finger catching slightly on the light trail hair that goes down from Nicky’s belly button. Nicky’s eyes are dark, and Joe can feel the heat radiating off him.</p><p>He looks down at Nicky and finds himself telling their story in Beirut, of the gift Nicky gave him. As he tells the story he remembers it so vividly he can almost taste it. </p><p>-</p><p>
  <em>He remembers how Nicky had brought not-Fatima up on the first night and introduced them. Joe remembers how he did a double-take because not-Fatima really did look like his late and long-dead wife. He can’t even remember not-Fatimas real name now. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembers Nicky had smiled at his shocked face and asked her to wait downstairs and then proceeded to try and placate Joe as he told them he’d spent almost all their money on her for the week. Joe had been torn between shock that Nicky had done this, and angry that he’d spent so much on her. It didn’t even occur to him to be worried that Nicky had invited someone else to their bed. After all their years together, Joe was as sure of Nicky’s feelings as he was with his own affections. He saw this for exactly what it was, a gift (albeit strange) from Nicky. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky had told him that even if they didn’t want this, he’d already agreed to take her back to her village where her two sons were being brought up by her parents- that the money they’d give her would help her. Not-Fatima had re-joined them and assured Joe that she was more than willing, and Joe realised it was probably a losing battle.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She clearly had a soft spot for Nicky- but then Joe thought everyone should have a soft spot for Nicky. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembers how she’d brought back some wine, and she and Nicky had played some card game that he couldn’t understand and which not-Fatima had lost. She’d slowly stood up and kneeled in front of Nicky who was still sitting and undone his breeches before taking him in her mouth. He remembers his mouth had gone dry as Nicky’s head rolled back and he’d groaned. The man looked like the literal deadly sin of Lust to Joe. Nicky, the little shit, had known exactly what effect it would have on Joe. He remembers Nicky looking at him and reaching a hand out to pull Joe down and filthily kissing him while she was still in between his legs. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He hadn’t touched her that evening but after Nicky had finished kissing him, his fingers had lightly traced Joe's jaw- asking silently for permission, checking that Nicky hadn’t got this wrong. That this was ok. Joe had smiled, tugged Nicky’s hair just as hard as he knew Nicky liked it and given him a bruising kiss that had swallowed Nicky’s groans as he’d cum. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He had thoroughly enjoyed the show he’d got that evening.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The next day the three had gone to the local market. Joe still hadn’t been sure on how to treat her, but Nicky and not-Fatima had joked around and she’d relaxed as the day had gone by. She’d haggled hard over some dates that Nicky had only given a passing interest in; presenting them to him with a small smile... but keeping the change Joe noticed. It reminded Joe of Fatima’s legendary bartering skills. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It also helped that she had the same smile as Fatima, and Joe found himself enjoying her company more as the day went on. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>That night Joe had fucked her slowly, doing the same things that he knew the woman he’d been with had previously. He had never been a selfish lover and wasn’t going to start now. Nicky had come up behind him during it, kissing the back of Joe's neck. Joe could feel how hard Nicky was behind him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky's arms had come around Joe's waist and he then proceeded to tell Joe just how much he’d like what he’d seen, using words that would have made a priest blush. Not-Fatima had laughed when Joe said as much and then continued laughing when Joe told her that Nicky had used to be a priest. She’d leant forward and kissed Joe softly, and Nicky’s grip tightened at the same time while he’d nuzzled and kissed Joe's neck. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It had been both too much and not enough. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The rest of the week passed in a mirage of a world where Joe got Nicky and a ghost of his long-dead wife. Something he hadn’t even considered wanting until it was in front of him. He’d looked up one evening as both were sitting near the window, she had been showing Nicky how to better darn his clothes while dressed in nothing but one of Joe's shirts. Nicky had good-naturedly grumbled but Joe knew he was secretly enjoying himself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe had felt the realisation dawn on him as he watched them. Joe suddenly realised that this is what Nicky had been trying to give him. Not an exciting development in their sex life (fun though that was), but a window into what could have been. A world where Joe got to introduce his family to Nicky.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> A world where Joe got his family <em>and</em> Nicky.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky had never been introduced to Joe's family- and he never would. Nicky had only seen them from afar when he had left Joe with his family after the crusades, doing what he thought was right. Joe knew he felt some absurd misplaced guilt, as if either of them had had a choice of having immortality thrust upon him. Condemning himself to a life of bitter loneliness so that Joe could go back to his loved ones.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>As Joe was having his epiphany, Nicky had looked up and smiled while showing Joe his awful attempts at sewing. Not-Fatima had scoffed and taken it off him to redo it, and Joe's heart swelled with such affection he almost didn’t know what to do with it. Nicky had always been the less vocal of the two of him, choosing to let his actions speak for him. At that moment, Joe felt that all his poetry and pretty words would never amount to what Nicky was offering him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe had never loved this impossible man more. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The next day they did just as they promised and escorted her back to her village less than two days outside of Beirut. She’d chastely kissed them both on the cheek just outside the village, and asked them not to come any further.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She’d looked at Nicky and mentioned something that was clearly an in-joke between the two of them and made Nicky blush. Then Nicky had stepped away, willing to give Joe the privacy he thought Joe needed. A chance to finally get to say goodbye to the memory of his long-dead wife via not-Fatima.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Honestly, this man. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She’d taken Joe's hand and told him how lucky he was- that she hoped she got what he had. He’d nodded, unable to get the words out of his throat. He knew how lucky he is, how rare what he had is, how special Nicky was. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He promised her to cherish him every day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>As they watched her walk away, Nicky had asked with a casualness that was clearly faked what they’d spoken about. Joe lied and said she’d told him not to trust Nicky’s sewing. Nicky had laughed, head thrown back and smiling broadly. Joe had kissed Nicky, desperate to convey just how much the week had meant to him because words couldn’t encapsulate them. Nicky had smiled, bumped their heads gently together and lightly pulled him back in the direction they’d come from. Understanding entirely what Joe had tried to tell him.</em>
</p><p>-</p><p>Joe finds himself telling Nicky of Fatima and his family as they lie side by side. The words spilling out of him like water from an overflowing pot because so much of him is taken up by Nicky. </p><p>Because this is their story and Nicky deserves to know it. </p><p>--</p><p>
  <em>Joe and Nicky had only just been immortal for a decade when Nicky had abandoned him on the outskirts of his hometown in the Maghreb. It had taken Joe many months, a considerable amount of bribery and a depressing amount of luck, before he found Nicky again. The entire time, Joe nursed his anger at a low simmer and nurtured it like a small child. He had been desperate to understand why the only man who could truly understand him had abandoned him suddenly without a goodbye. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe refused to acknowledge to himself how much Nicky’s actions had hurt him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He followed rumours of a pale man whose Arabic was passable to Tripoli. When he arrived at the city, his emotions swung from anger to desperation. It would be easy in a city like Tripoli for a man to get on a boat bound for Sicily and then onwards to Christian lands. Joe was a good tracker but even he would find it hard to follow Nicky to a land where Joe wasn’t wanted or welcomed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thankfully the gods, in whatever name they answered too, were looking out for him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He called in at the Harbour Masters office and was told that none of the ships had left Sicily in the last week due to rough seas. He spoke to the Captains of all of the ships, lying that he was looking for a Genoan called Nicolo who had abandoned his sister after marrying her. Years later Joe admits to himself just how Freudian his lie is.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A horrified Captain told him that Nicolo was staying in a nearby boarding house, promising Joe that he had no idea of Nicolo’s deception but it explained why the man seemed so sad. Joe followed the directions and waited just out of sight in an alley in front of the boarding house until he saw Nicky.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As Nicky walked by the alley that Joe was skulking in, Joe felt the anger finally overtake him. He grabbed Nicky and dragged him into the alley. Nicky had immediately tried to fight him, but Joe quickly pinned Nicky against the wall, his forearm across Nicky’s throat and dagger loosely pushed against his abdomen.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It had taken Nicky a moment to realise that it was really Joe in front of him, his eyes widening in shock and his surprise evident. He had immediately stopped fighting. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What are you doing here?!” Nicky had asked indignantly, “you aren’t supposed to be here!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe had seen red and for a second, gave serious thought to slitting Nicky’s throat. “You left me,” he replied angrily. “I came back and you had gone,” he said slamming Nicky back into the wall for emphasis. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I returned you to your family,” Nicky said, clearly confused at Joe's anger. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But you left!!” Joe roared back, forearm tightening against Nicky’s throat. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Because I could not stay- we both know that!” Nicky almost shouted back, clearly exasperated, “I thought I would return the life I had taken from you. You deserved to go back to your loved one’s” Nicky finished.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The feeling in Joe's chest clenched.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It is not your job to return me to my family. They believe me dead, and if I went back they would age and die while I would not.” Joe said, he could almost feel Nicky flinch under his words.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe put away his dagger but didn’t move his forearm.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I did not mean to cause you pain,” Nicky said sincerely, “I truly thought you would be happier with your family. You had looked so happy when you spoke of them.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You expect me to believe that you would truly condemn yourself to a life of loneliness?” Joe said disbelievingly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky said nothing but just looked at Joe in a way that centuries later, Joe would come to know as exasperated fondness. “If it would give you the chance to see your loved ones and be happy, even for a few years, then my loneliness would be an easy price to pay. Fate has already brought us together once, I am sure she would do it again in the future.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe had no response to that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He released Nicky and took a step back, almost tugging at his hair in frustration at his stupid Frank. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We are the only people like us. I do not know why we are here, or why we were chosen...” Joe said, jabbing a finger into Nicky’s chest, “...but whatever reason it is, we will do it together. No more stupid fucking decisions like that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky smiled but didn’t move, content to let Joe's anger play out as it had a hundred times before. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Fine, you have my word, I will not abandon you again.”</em>
</p><p>-</p><p>Nicky asks him when he knew he was in love and Joe tells the story about how his love started in the most mundane of ways. </p><p>His hands remain resting low on Nicky’s abdomen, warm and secure, and he feels Nicky’s heart beating as fast as his. </p><p>-</p><p>
  <em>They had been laid up in Alexandria for a week, waiting to take a boat to… anywhere. Their coin was running low and Nicky had joked that they could just run up debts, because what was the worst that could happen to them- get killed?!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Exasperated at his Franks stupidity, Joe had gone to find work in the market and Nicky had found some simple labouring job in the morning at the docks. Joe went to join him in the afternoon and saw him sitting on the quay, absently stroking a cat and sharing the last of their food with it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘What are you doing?” Joe said, settling down beside Nicky, shoulder to shoulder, both of their feet now hanging over the side and just above the water. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The cloister had a stray,” Nicky said distractedly, focused on the kitten. ”We called it Antonio- it only had half a tail and was ginger all over- but it was one of our best rat-catchers.” The kitten crawled into his lap and started purring like a content princess. “I found this little one behind the crates and mewing, she looked hungry,”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’ll get fleas,” Joe said with little heat, grumbling only because he should, not because he wanted to. Nicky hummed non-committedly but ignored Joe.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He reached into his bag and pulled out the last of their food, smiling as he handed it to Joe, “Don’t worry- I saved your half. I only fed her mine.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’ll get hungry,” Joe said exasperated, already breaking the meagre amount they had left in two and passing it back to Nicky. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like it can kill me.” Nicky asked, brimming with easy affection as he continued to stroke the kitten. “She needs it more than me,” he finished quietly and bumped Joe's shoulder good-naturedly. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe looked at Nicky. This man, whose sword calloused hands were now gently cradling the kitten, had killed him in thousands of different ways. Joe has witnessed firsthand Nicky’s fury, he’s seen him fight and cut down his enemy without quarter or mercy. Yet Joe knows that Nicky will probably take the kitten back home with them tonight, even though the kitten probably won’t survive the night. Joe knows that Nicky will mourn it when it dies. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe has never known anyone to care so openly, but fight so fucking viciously when it suits them. He’s seen Nicky stand up relentless against bullies and bigots in all forms, but be happy and knowingly ripped off by street urchins because “whether they’re lying or not is their choice, but I will be judged on my actions, and who am I to deny them.” He’s seen Nicky almost collapse with exhaustion while helping those less fortunate than them, but curse like a syphilitic sailor when inconvenienced by weather or fortune. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky is living breathing contradiction, and Joe suddenly realises he loves him so badly it physically hurts. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Is something wrong?” Nicky asks, looking at him concerned as Joe’s entire world shifts in this revelation. Joe doesn’t trust himself to speak so just shakes his head. Nicky smiles and lifts the kitten, tucking it close to his chest. “Come, I’m sure we’ll find more work at the dock.” </em>
</p><p>Joe wants.</p><p>-<br/>
Nicky asks Joe when Nicky knew he loved Joe, and Joe’s breath catches as he looks at their clasped hands.</p><p>He tells Nicky’s story, a secret he carries close to his heart. One he brings out when he’s sad or low. He loves this story. </p><p>-</p><p>
  <em>Some year near the 1800s after they’d found Booker, the four of them found themselves in Lisbon, waiting for a ship to take them across the sea to the new lands of America.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They’d been taking turns to ensure that Booker had a drinking partner because even though they could heal from liver disease, it didn’t mean they had to enjoy it. That evening it had been Nicky and Andy, and Nicky had supported a barely conscious Booker back to their inn. Booker had passed out on the floor when they came back and Joe could tell that Nicky was very drunk, a relatively rare occurrence. Stepping outside to wash Nicky had almost tripped over Booker when he’d come back in and unsteadily made his way to Joe and their bed. Andy has disappeared with… someone… according to a drunken Nicky, but he couldn’t remember who it was. He gave Joe a sloppy kiss on the cheek, not even aware he’d woken Joe, before throwing his shoes across the room while trying to get them off. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Booker didn’t stir as the boots bounced off his head.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The room was dark, but the slither of light coming through the window meant Joe could make out the silhouette of Nicky as he got into bed. Nicky had crawled under the sheets and lay fully atop Joe, legs intertwined and arms crossed across Joe's chest. Joe had often thought that drunk Nicky was a bit like an octopus. Very clingy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Not that he minded of course. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He expected Nicky to go straight to sleep, but Nicky had leaned up and looked down at Joe with the face of a drunkard who wanted to say something important.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Dates,” Nicky stated with a drunken solemnity that Nicky clearly felt explained the secrets of the universe but meant nothing to Joe. Joe felt himself trying very hard not to smile. When this didn’t get the response Nicky wanted, he gave a heavy sigh of someone long put about and sat up, straddling Joe. He motioned for Joe to sit up and Joe did as his heart bid, arms encircling Nicky’s waist to keep him steady.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We need one,” Nicky stated.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“As in the food?” Joe asked, now amusingly confused. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky punched him lightly on the arm before leaning forward and loudly whispering, “No. I can’t remember when we have them. Today was the day Booker met his Adele, which is why…” trailed off and gestured towards the passed out Frenchman on the floor. “I realised that I realised we have too many dates.” He then started quietly reeling off events that Joe had all but forgotten counting them on his fingers, each clearly important to Nicky. Suddenly he stopped talking and brought himself up to his full height, “When were we in Antalya?” he asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Which time?” Joe asked. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The time we went before Tbilisi,” he said urgently, looking horrified at himself because he couldn’t remember. Joe thought back, it was a couple of seasons before Alexandria. It hadn’t really stood out to him, he thinks maybe twenty years after they stopped fighting, but half a decade before they started fucking. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Early spring… I think. Why does it matter?” he asks. He had vague memories of having to share a bed due to the cold.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Because you did the thing with the blade” Nicky motioned something but Joe had no idea what it was, “and your eyes did the thing…” he said. Joe still had no idea what Nicky was going on about. Nicky sighed like Joe was the one not making sense and took Joe's head in his hands, “that’s when I knew I loved you, you idiot.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He leant back, clearly pleased at himself. His drunken mind not realising that Nicky had never told Joe before. For all the love that Nicky has, he so rarely talked of it. Instead of choosing to be a man of deeds, not words, and Joe loved him more for it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe quickly did the maths in his head of the years between Antalya and Tbilisi. Gods above they were idiots. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky continued quietly in Italian as if telling some dark secret, “you offered to shave me. You stood behind me and I tilted my head back. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, you were looking down and looked so serious. Totally focused on the task. It’s the look you get when you’re going into battle… You looked…” he struggled for the word, “like a warrior, like the man I killed and fought against in the crusades.You have no idea what that does to me... You had a blade to my throat and I had never felt safer. I knew then I trusted you not just with my life but with my heart. I knew then I loved you, and selfishly all I wanted was that focus to remain on me. Always.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe's grip tightened on Nicky’s hips, “you did nothing for years.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky smiled softly, clearly remembering things long past. “You were everything to me then as you are now. I did not think I could be lucky enough to have it returned. Alas, I was weak, so I kept asking you to shave me... it was enough for me that in those few moments I was your focus.” Nicky said simply. Joe's heart swelled and broke at the same time. Nicky’s declaration leaving him entirely defenceless.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Swallowing around the lump in his throat, “I shall shave you tomorrow,” he said. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He felt Nicky grin. “I would like that very much.” he paused as he looked down at the comatose Booker, “we should get our own rooms though.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ever the practical man. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joe kissed him, because how could he not and because he could. Before it got any further, Booker gasped awake as if coming back from the dead and started snoring on the floor. They looked at each other, Nicky grinning like a madman and Joe tried not to laugh. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nicky gave him one last kiss before manhandling Joe around him until he was comfortable and went to sleep in the arms of the man who loved him without end.</em>
</p><p>-</p><p>He finishes the story and doesn’t let go of Nicky, because how can he after all he has told them. He wants to tell Nicky all their other secret stories from hidden places around the world, all the ways they have loved, cherished and protected each other over the years. </p><p>The words catch in his throat and he can’t.</p><p>Nicky, his perfect Nicky, pulls him close for the first time in almost a year and holds him. Doesn’t ask for anything more because he knows Joe can’t… just can’t. Joe rests his head on Nicky’s chest, and they lie against each other in the stifling heat, pressed shoulder to leg. It’s the first time since Durres that Nicky’s held him. Joe would weep but he’s too tired, and in Nicky’s arms he feels like he’s home. </p><p>There are no bad dreams that night. </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Malta</strong>
</p><p>Joe, regardless of what Andy or Nicky might say, isn’t an actual idiot. After Beirut things are different. He can feel Nicky’s eyes on him when his back is turned. He knows that look, it’s the same one he felt burning into the back of him all those years ago between Antalya and Tbilisi. He didn’t know when it meant then, but he does now.  </p><p>They stand on a precipice and Joe knows that if this is going to work, Nicky needs to take the first step over. Then Joe will happily join him because he’ll always follow Nicky wherever he goes. They make it to Turkey and Joe thinks that logically there’s only one place he really wants to go next.</p><p>Malta. </p><p>He finds himself needlessly nervous when he asks Nicky. Nicky agrees immediately and Joe feels lighter than he has in months. </p><p>Malta is… complicated for them. In Joe's mind, few places can evoke so many different emotions in him from one place. They’ve been there more times then they remember and it’s undeniably special to them. </p><p>They stopped there and called it home for longer than they should have in the twelfth century when they were newly immortal, working in Valletta until they got too many questions. They came back in the fourteenth century and laid low as fishermen after separating for almost a quarter of a century. They stopped off briefly in the sixteenth century to recover from Quynh before someone accused Joe of being a slave and Nicky had to start a minor rebellion to get him out, and they avoided it for most of the seventeenth century because Nicky holds grudges.</p><p>In the eighteenth century, they bought a small farm by the sea to recover from when Joe was taken. They went back for a couple of years before Booker joined them and got caught in Malta during the siege in World War II before making it north to continue fighting. </p><p>Malta isn’t home, they don’t have one, but it is important. It’s where Nicky took Joe to heal all those years ago, so it seems only poetic that Joe takes Nicky there. It’s where they take time for themselves, Andy and Booker know of the farm but they haven't been since the 1800s. </p><p>He almost laughs when he sees Nicky’s shocked face as they walk up to the farm, now surrounded by houses where once only fields stood. They finally installed indoor plumbing in the 1970s but hadn’t stayed here during their last visit because as Nicky had told him they were on ‘holiday’. It needs work. </p><p>Joe throws himself into house renovations and gets everything working. Nicky takes to the small herb and vegetable garden instinctively, de-weeding it with vigour and asking Joe where it’s best to put the different plants. Joe finds himself teaching Nicky all the things that Nicky’s shown him over the years. One day, Nicky is bent down focused on pulling out a particularly strong weed, looking up just in time to see Joe aiming the hose directly at him. Joe turns the hose on and Nicky lets out an indigent squawk that Joe finds hilarious as Nicky gets soaked.</p><p>“Waters working,” Joe jokes, smiling at a soaked Nicky. </p><p>An indignant Nicky wrestles the hose from Joe and chases him around the garden to get revenge. Afterwards, when both their clothes are suitably ruined with mud and water, Nicky walks back into the house, pulling off his ruined t-shirt and wondering aloud if the showers are now working.</p><p>Joe’s throat goes dry as he watches a bare-chested Nicky casually walk inside. </p><p>It takes him a couple of minutes to calm down before he follows. </p><p>All good things are worth waiting for, he tells himself. </p><p>The days flow easily and slow, and Joe revels in them. The mornings are taken with trips to the local village, where Joe argues with builders and plumbers while Nicky tries to avoid the local grandmas who want to introduce them to their daughters. The days and evenings are spent exploring the island, and Joe finds himself seeing the island through Nicky’s new eyes. </p><p>One evening Nicky piles too many logs onto the firepit and they take turns finding increasingly ridiculous alcohol or wines to try from the cellar. Joe regales Nicky with stories of their previous trips to Malta or makes them up, just to see Nicky laugh quietly into his cup, provide a snarky comment or just plain calling bullshit. Joe looks at Nicky over the fire and doesn’t think Nicky’s ever been more beautiful than in this moment; smiling, relaxed and happy. It’s something he couldn’t have imagined all those months ago as he wiped the blood from his hair in the warehouse when they found him. </p><p>It reminds him of Nicky from before the accident. </p><p>As the night goes on he finds increasingly ridiculous excuses to touch Nicky and it takes all his willpower to not to kiss him. As it gets dark Nicky goes inside and brings out two thick blankets and throws it over both of them. They go to sleep almost touching under the canopy of stars, and ever the romantic, Joe thinks it’s a perfect evening.</p><p>A few days later Joe takes the day for himself and heads to a nearby town. He's not really looking for anything in particular but walks past a book shop and see’s ‘The Name of the Rose’ for sale and buys it on a whim for Nicky. Joe remembers that when it came out in 1980 Nicky had insisted on taking it on a mission because he hadn’t quite finished reading it, and then spoken at length with anyone who would listen. Andy had joked that Joe was the mistress in the relationship between Nicky and his books. </p><p>When he gets back and gives it to him, Nicky smiles and says he’ll read it in the evening. After dinner, he idly picks it up while Joe watches some nonsense on TV. Joe turns in for the night while Nicky stays on the couch still reading. Joe wakes at midnight to find that Nicky’s half of the bed is still empty, rolls his eyes to himself and sticks his head out to see that Nicky is still sitting exactly where he left him, clearly engrossed in the book. </p><p>“Nicky it’s midnight, come to bed,” he says tiredly, and Nicky looks up clearly surprised at how much time has passed. He looks bashfully at the book in his lap and Joe doesn’t want to say it but Nicky understands it anyway. Joe can’t sleep if Nicky isn’t there. They might not be wrapped up in each other, but Joe’s always found himself comforted by Nicky’s presence, and Nicky is too kind-hearted to deny him. </p><p>Nicky slides under the covers on his side and turns on the light, sitting upright against the headboard and Joe finds himself going to sleep quickly. The next day he wakes up to Nicky asleep in a position that can’t be comfortable and the book on the nightstand, a bookmark showing that Nicky is already two-thirds of the way through. Nicky finishes it by lunchtime and joins Joe who's currently fighting a losing battle with a fence.  </p><p>“Good book?” Joe jokes as Nicky puts on some gloves to help him. </p><p>“Thank you for the book.” Nicky says, helping Joe move a post into position, “it’s very good… but then I suppose that’s why you gave it to me.”</p><p>“You talked my ear off about it last time,” Joe replies.</p><p>“Did I tell you I thought the murder plot was overly convoluted?..” Nicky asks,</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“...That I liked that it was a book about a book...”</p><p>“Yep,” Joe answers good-naturedly, and Nicky talks to him more about it as they go about their work, clearly happy. Yet as the day gets longer Nicky slowly gets quieter, something clearly on his mind. But Joe knows it’s not right to push him, Nicky will tell him when he’s ready. </p><p>It takes Nicky until the evening.</p><p>“The book,” he says quietly at the dinner table, “it made me think of my own time as a priest. Yet I have no memories of it, or of any of my life before I died.” Joe felt bad, he had meant for the book as a gift. He hadn’t thought it would have this effect on Nicky. Their history, pre-death, isn’t something they speak about often, not because they’re hiding secrets from each other, but there’s just so much more shared history in its place instead. </p><p>“Did I ever talk about my life before we met?” Nicky finally asks. </p><p>Joe nods, “You were the third child out of seven, only four of you made it to adulthood and you had two older brothers, which is why you were sent to be a priest. You loved your parents but you didn’t want to be a parish priest, so you joined the crusades.” It feels absurd that over thirty years of living is condensed down to just three sentences. Joe finds himself telling stories that Nicky’s told him before; of growing up by the sea, of elder siblings and a stern but kind father. He tells him of the monastery he joined, how Nicky found the quiet enjoyable but disliked the endless tedium of priesthood. Yet Joe knows there are things Nicky has never told him, some things Nicky has kept to himself and lied by way of omission. Sometimes it’s just kinder to the two of them, and Nicky is the kindest person he knows. </p><p>Nicky listens engrossed before he realises, “I do not know what my own family looks like. Did I ever ask you to draw them?” he asks hopefully. Joe shakes his head, and Nicky tries to hide it but Joe can see that it upsets him. Joe is bitterly disappointed in himself for not asking before. </p><p>“We could go to Genova?” Joe offers, desperate to offer something. </p><p>“It has been almost a thousand years, there would be nothing for me to remember there.” Nicky says sadly, getting up and pacing around the room, clearly frustrated at himself. </p><p>He stops suddenly and looks at Joe, “what was my family name?” he asks abruptly, and Joe is suddenly incredibly confused. </p><p>“...Di Genova….”</p><p>Nicky shakes his head, “That’s just me saying I am from there. It’s what families without titles would say but it’s not my family name. It is not who I am.” </p><p>Joe is horrified when he realises he doesn’t actually know the answer. In all their shared history, all the many years, Nicky’s never actually told him. He has always just gone with Di Genova and been happy with it. It’s never been important to Nicky until now. </p><p>The words ‘I don’t know’ get stuck in his throat and won’t come out, but it must be clear on his face because Nicky looks devastated. Nicky walks out into the garden and Joe doesn’t try to stop him, his own failure sitting around his neck like an anchor. </p><p>Nicky doesn’t come to bed until well into the night, turns away and has his back to Joe, and he is so clearly hurting. Joe reaches forward instinctively, carefully putting a hand on his shoulder, ready to offer comfort if it’s wanted. He feels Nicky’s hand on his after a moment.</p><p>“You are a good man Nicky, they would be proud of you.” </p><p>Nicky’s hand on his tightens but he doesn’t move or acknowledge Joe’s words.</p><p>The next day Joe emails Copely with the impossible request to see if there’s anything he can find out. Copley tells him it’s unlikely but he’ll see what he can do. </p><p>For now, it has to be enough.</p><p>-</p><p>The next few days Nicky’s mind is clearly elsewhere, and getting him out of his own head demands Joe's full attention. The rest of the world can wait. The problem Joe has is that he loves with one of the bravest men whose kindness and understanding is unparalleled, yet it means Nicky is often his own worst enemy.</p><p>Nicky even attempts to apologise to Joe the next day, which Joe thinks is absurd and tells Nicky as much. He takes Nicky into town where they go to the bookshop and Nicky makes Joe point out books he thinks Nicky would like. </p><p>They come home with too many books but a smiling Nicky, so Joe considers it well worth it. </p><p>The following week Nicky slowly returns to himself and in passing mentions the hotel card his old self carried. Joe immediately makes some feeble excuse to take him there and Maria warmly welcomes them both back. If she notes anything different about Nicky she doesn’t mention anything. She half-jokes about them being too thin and piles their plates full of Maltese sweets and biscuits. He puts passes over all the honey rings to Nicky’s plate because they’re too sweet for him. The sheer normality of it all means for a moment Joe forgets himself and casually puts his hand on Nicky’s knee under the table. He blushes when he realises and pulls his hand back.</p><p>They spend the rest of the day in the city and as they walk back towards the house, Nicky smiles at him and it makes Joe's stomach flip. That weekend something seems to change in Nicky. He isn’t sad like he was before, but he’s pensive in a way Joe doesn’t recognise. They argue over what colour to paint the living room, and Nicky finally (correctly) relents and allows him to paint it green.</p><p>Monday is like all their other days, and after dinner, Joe is cleaning up while Nicky is reading some obscure book that he likes. Joe isn’t paying any attention to Nicky so almost drops the dishes he’s cleaning and thinks he’s misheard when Nicky speaks, “tell me of our first time”. </p><p>Joe turns to look at Nicky as his brain tries to compute what Nicky’s asking. Almost too scared to hope. </p><p>Nicky is looking at him, and Joe knows that look. That look has caused Joe to do more stupid things then there are stars in the sky. Joe first saw that look in Tbilisi and hasn’t seen it in over a year and it’s like a punch to the gut because until now he hadn’t even realised how much he’d missed it. “Why do you ask?” he replies. </p><p>“Because I want to know,” Nicky says, smirking because he knows exactly what he’s doing to Joe. Always has, always will do. </p><p>“Tbilisi… we were travelling east to find the others from our dreams.” Joe finds the words catching on his tongue. He’s so out of his league on this.<br/>
Nicky steps closer, crowds around him until Joe's back is pressed up against the sink. Joe remembers the journey. They’d travelled by horse, guarding a caravan as it made its way East and then cut away North, riding by themselves for the last few days until they reached Tbilisi. It was summer and the days long and sweaty. They had slept side by side, using the excuse of an open sky to sleep closer than they had before. </p><p>“...After Antalya, you asked me to shave you every few days. We stayed outside the city and it was summer.” Nicky crowds up against Joe. Joe closes his eyes, it might have been hundreds of years ago but Joe remembers it like it was yesterday. </p><p>“And then…” Nicky asks, leaning forward. </p><p>“I knelt behind you… it was too hot for shirts and you leaned your head against my stomach with your eyes closed, and you looked….”</p><p>“What did I look like?” Nicky asks. </p><p>Joe thinks Nicky had looked perfect. Joe had knelt behind him while Nicky was seated, and Joe could feel the sweat clinging to the base of Nicky's hair against his stomach. Using the pretext of shaving, his fingers had lightly traced under Nicky’s jaw as he had tilted Nicky's head up. Joe had marvelled that he was trusted enough to do this, where years ago he would have slit the throat easily, now found himself concentrating to ensure that he didn’t harm him.   </p><p>“... like you were praying,” Joe says, feeling caught under Nicky’s gaze. Nicky places his fingers over Joes, and Joe tries to take a deep breath to try and centre himself. </p><p>It doesn’t work. </p><p>“..When I’d finished you opened your eyes and looked at me…” Joe says, words stumbling. Nicky had looked like he was seeing the sun for the first time in an age, he’d softly smiled and Joe had been terrified that Nicky would know his heart was thumping against his chest. He had been certain that Nicky would have felt it. “...you took the knife from my hand and pulled me down, and…” ...And long fingers had tugged at his hair and pulled him down and brought him in for a soft and enquiring kiss. The position should have been awkward but it wasn’t. Nicky had tightened his hold on Joe after a moment and tugged at the curls, and the kiss had deepened.</p><p>They arrived in Tbilisi late but in love. </p><p>Nicky covers the small space between them and kisses him in their small kitchen. </p><p>He kisses Joe like it’s effortless and like it’s something that has always been meant to be. Joe kisses back because for the first time in what seems an age he can. The kiss is the same as the first time in Tbilisi, perfect because it’s from Nicky. </p><p>Nicky slides his leg in between Joes, and Joe's hands tighten because he’s been trained by Nicky after millennia. His fingers press hard enough to bruise and he peppers kisses along Nicky’s jaw and neck. Nicky brings his hands around Yusuf's head and rests their foreheads together, giving them a moment to collect themselves. </p><p>“Show me,” Nicky says to him, “I am yours and new again.”</p><p>Joe leads him to the bedroom and pushes him gently down on the bed, his forearms bracket Nicky's head as he leans down to kiss him. It’s just as intoxicating as the first time. Nicky’s fingers slip under his shirt, exploring skin and Joe has to rest his forehead in the crook of Nicky’s shoulder because it’s both suddenly too much and not enough.</p><p>Joe pulls away and kneels in between Nicky’s hips, pulling his shirt off as Nicky looks up at him. Joe looks down at him and knows that he loves this man beyond all reason. It doesn’t matter that they’ve done this thousands of times already, it still thrills him that he gets this. He leans down and in between kisses, slowly helps Nicky with his clothes. He doesn’t hesitate and undoes Nicky’s belt with the confidence of a man well-practised.</p><p>That night he takes Nicky apart methodically and with the assurity of a man who knows what he’s doing. Nicky clings to him and Joe swallows every moan, traces his adoration along Nicky’s skin, revels in every touch and is grateful beyond measure that he gets to have this again. </p><p>They finally fall asleep in the early hours and Joe wakes with Nicky still in his arms. He presses lazy kisses into Nicky’s hair and relishes the feeling of Nicky’s body against his. He feels Nicky stir and Joe kisses his neck, sucking until he knows it would leave a bruise and gets a hissed breath in return. Nicky’s fingers skate absentmindedly over Joe's arms, long and distracted strokes that make thinking difficult.</p><p>For the first time since he lost Nicky all those months ago, he forgives himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Annnnddd we're done.</p><p>Thank you so much to everyone that read this far! I hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to leave comments as they're always lovely to receive</p>
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